Keep Calm and watch movies in 2017

La La Land
Think back. When was the last time Hollywood tried to bedazzle you with a legit song and dance picture? That wasn't a delusion or parody? And that WASN'T an animated feature?
Hard to say eh? I guess that's why critics and casuals alike are giving such rave reviews to "La La Land," the bittersweet tale of two ambitious artists who find each other while finding their true calling.
Emma Stone and Ryan Gosling give the audience such a grand chemistry experiment that I'm surprised they didn't hand out safety goggles in the theater. Not only do their sparks fly in more ways than one, but their singing and their choreography are sure to please more than just the show choir enthusiasts.
And while there are some who decry the ridiculous nature of the whole genre, I believe this film delivers heartfelt acting along with the camp and riveting dialogue along with the wondrous music.
Go see it. Try not to tap your foot too much on the way out.

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here. 
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Honestly, I would not be opposed to La La Land getting best picture...

Hell or High Water
"Hell or High Water" can best be summed up as a movie about family, camaraderie, the desire to right wrongs (both criminal and sticking-it-to-the-man types), and how many playful insults can you hurl at your friend/brother that would be downright horrible if they weren't that close.
Also, Mr. Pibb is absolutely NOT Dr. Pepper. Every Texan knows that.

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.

LEGO Batman movie
WB animation knocks it out of the park again with their tongue-in-cheek, super referential, and all around juvenile-yet-not-insultingly-childish hilariousness with the "LEGO Batman movie."
I could go on a spiel about how this has its theme firmly rooted in family and how everything is cool when you're part of a team, but I'll just list a bunch of enjoyable stuff
1. The return of more obscure C-list villains like Egghead and Condiment King
2. The jab at Killer Croc's minimal role in "Suicide Squad."
3. The return of those trained penguins from "Batman Returns."
4. "Iron Man sucks!"
5. Finally figuring out where that Joker line "you complete me" came from with actual footage.
6. A merging of the Super Friends AND the Justice League characters (both classic and New52)
7. EXTERMINATE - British Robots...ask your nerd friends
8. Gremlins on a plane.
9. Lawyer-friendly Godzilla destroying the Eye of Sauron
10. "We will be the Joker's reckoning" - Bane
11. 30 minute head start for the villains.

For people who still want to learn more about those weirdo obscure villains who were "probably worth the Google."

Nine Lives
Well, despite misgivings about how it's still totally a movie with a story cliched all up the wazoo, at least "Nine Lives" starring Kevin Spacey had the courtesy to have a fair amount of actual cats doing stunts and trained stuff instead of throwing horrible CGI monstrosities at the screen for the entire duration of the movie.
Also, actors from "The Flash" show up and that's pretty cool seeing them in other roles. 

The Accountant
It's been said that the deadliest warriors are the ones that can hide in plain sight; ninjas, assassins, accountants, serial killers etc.
...
Yes, Ben Affleck is "the Accountant" and while it is a super non-threatening title, this guy is as lethal as any James Bond, John Wicke, or any other professional asskicker.
What makes the movie are the layers of characterization to each of the characters introduced. The title character himself is on the autistic spectrum and Ben Affleck plays it very well. While it may seem off and different, his character is actually hyper-competent at most anything he puts his mind to except social interaction. Rounding out the cast are some big name stars like State Farm Band Teacher Airbender, Pitch Perfect's Little Sister of Scott Pilgrim, Lord Farquad of the Progresso Soup, and the Transparent.
Like so many things, he is not what he seems on the outside, but what is inside that counts; a diamond in the rough.
Highly enjoyable action thriller with the most mundane of titles to give to their superhero.

Arrival
How often does a movie treat the idea of aliens coming from the stars with a sense of majesty without terror and with curiosity instead of foreboding?
"Arrival" dares to show an exchange between humanity and ETs not rife with bang-bang-bang and pew-pew-pew, but with more ME-TARZAN-YOU-JANE.
What really struck me was that for the most part, most of the benevolent interactions with aliens in cinema are usually from the trend of the kids finding the space critter and befriending them. When it comes to aliens and grown-ups however, it's ALWAYS the military in a tizzy and the aliens either befuddled and attacking in retaliation, or the aliens coming in guns blazing and humanity having to take a stand.
Here, this movie has Amy Adams and Jeremy Renner doing their best to communicate with the giant squid creatures who communicate in literal moon runes like civilized adults.
So maybe that's the underlying reason why this weird little sci-fi flick became nominated for an Oscar: it emphasizes communication rather than aggression. To try the long-term relationship game and not assume the worst about the scary-lookin' people are important lessons to convey through Teacher McMovie.
Frankly, it is not phenomenal and it is slow and scoreless at times, but it is worth watching if only to see it as this century's take on "Close Encounters of the Third Kind." 

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.

Not Amy Adam's first time trying to relate to an ET

The BFG

In light of all the Disney successes at the box office last year, it's surely baffling that something like "The BFG" could fall as flat as it did.
Spielberg and Disney coming together to bring to life a Roald Dahl classic should've been a great thing, but aside from moments of visual whimsy, the characters and pacing just didn't work right. To pad out the story some more they threw in another bit about a previous friend for the big guy before Sophie and they rewrote the ending. And honestly, it all felt so off-putting. Something about the original story, while still full of made-up words and the right kind of magical-meets-the-mundane, never really felt like it could lend itself properly to be adapted the big screen and now I know why: it's purely supposed to be read to kids and to let their imaginations run wild, like it was for me in 5th grade.
So maybe I'm not the target audience anymore but it was worth seeing for me to have another one of Roald Dahl's great stories be back in the limelight for a bit.

Yes, even the Queen's corgis were a part of that scene involving the drink with the bubbles that went down...

Hail Caesar
While I appreciate that "Hail Caesar" tries and tries to recapture some of the magic of old Hollywood in a hilarious romp filled with stars...SERIOUSLY WHAT THE HECK DID I JUST WATCH?!
Following Josh Brolin pop in and out of different movie sets as a damage control guy is not entertaining. It is a disjointed mess and some of the celebrities featured just have one or two scenes before they're never seen again. They also have George Clooney sitting in with his commie kidnappers as they explain rather poorly why their viewpoint is superior and how am I supposed to react to that?
Ridiculous, uninteresting, and its only shining moment is Channing Tatum in a swell little tap-dance number.

Logan
So how do you adapt to film a story which features an old Wolverine and a blind Hawkeye taking a road trip across a villain-ruled United States which feature hillbilly Hulks, the Venom Symbiote on a T-Rex, and President Red Skull wearing the Captain America costume like an ancient savage wearing the skin of his enemy?
Quite simply, you don't. You change the story up so it's still an old Wolverine but now he's taking care of his preteen girl clone as they run from the goons who made her. And senile Patrick Stewart is along for the ride too!
But that's what they say happened in "Logan," 20th Century Fox's next foray into making their comic book movies be edgy but not so grimdark as to be completely devoid of important things like personalities and color.
Set in the far future where Mutantkind has all but been eradicated, the Wolverine finds himself taking simple chauffeuring jobs while he takes care of an ailing Patrick Stewart. That all changes when he is tasked with escorting a young girl to a supposed Mutant haven up north. Thus, their little dysfunctional family of three is on the run from the shady corporation who was tasked with creating this living weapon, as the two old dudes have to teach her how to live as both a person and as a hero.
While the main gripe I really have is that this neither has a plethora of X-men to use, nor follow its comic story, the small and intimate cast very rarely is a bad idea. You get to see the wonderful onscreen chemistry between the old man and the older man who's like a father to him, the old man and the little girl who's pretty much a tiny Spanish-speaking version of him, and the old man to the nice family who takes them in for the night. In that light, it's also similar to a Western with the lone warrior, bitter and weary from the world, finds a new purpose and tries to go for one last ride
That being said however, the no good varmints who are mucking up his life aren't anything really to write home about. And once they've established cloning is a thing, that also means a distinct lack of creativity with a feigned attempt at being poetic for a final battle.
But absolutely recommend if not for Hugh Jackman's finest hours as this character and the brutality of it all since it fully embraces that R rating like Deadpool did the year before.

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here. 

And for good measure about the finality of it all, have a Les Miserables parody

Power Rangers (2017)
Imagine, if you will, that somebody's only exposure to Batman was "that weird time in 66" with campy Adam West and Burt Ward. Now imagine, that same person was shown the Burton or Nolan movies.
That's essentially how I felt watching the "Power Rangers" movie.
With a more modern take on the 90s superheroes loosely based on a nearly 40 year old Japanese superhero franchise, there were bound to be changes. For the most part, those changes were for good. The main characters were crafted to not only be more "Breakfast Club" -ish, but they have their own foibles and faults which make them seem more like real humans instead of paragons of do-goodery like in the show.
While the characterization is its strongest feature, the weakest would have to be the actual superheroing aspect. They only show up in their full NOT!Spandex glory around the last 3rd of the movie and then almost immediately hop into their "dino-cars" to deal with the rampaging black magic kaiju.
Overall, a rockin' (and rocky) start to a revitalization of a most radical task force of super. Don't expect it to be great art, or a dark and gritty reboot; it's a cliche-filled, fun but sometimes dark romp with 5 teens learning to be friends and fighters.

For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Underoos indeed. Hahaha

Life
So in addition to jet black monsters that lay their young within your body, shapeshifting blobs that can fool anyone, parasitic slugs that wrap around your brain and control you like a meat puppet, and humanoids who can use the sun's energy to roast you by looking at you, the next critter to join my list of Aliens that Can Do Horrible Things to Your Body Purely from their Freaky Biology is Calvin the jelly-starfish from "Life."
The old adage is true again as we are proven that in space, no one can hear you scream. And truly this movie does borrow a lot from the iconic horror film starring Sigourney Weaver. Both feature a diverse cast in a tight enclosed space dealing with a nigh-unkillable menace from beyond the stars that do unspeakable evils to your body. What's funny is that this movie's score make the interactions with the tiny ET blob seem whimsical and fun for a while...all the time the audience awaits when we hear the psycho chords to signify the bad times are coming.
Watch with a friend who don't get squeamish.

The Great Wall
Oh no! Another attempt by Hollywood to lure in their foreign markets by making a visually stunning spectacle set in their homeland! But with more MATT DAMON!
"The Great Wall" tells the nonsensical tale of the REAL reason why one of the greatest landmarks in the world was made: aliens. Matt Damon plays a simple mercenary tasked with finding out about Man's Red Flower the Chinese gunpowder but ends up embroiling himself against the Eastern nation's never-ending struggle against the evil green wolf/lizard/bug things whose favorite battle tactic is the Zerg rush.
As mentioned before, this is a garbage movie with a cliched plot and cliched characters...but it makes up for it a little bit with visual flair that each Chinese cast member is given. The intricate and colorful armor with each division's unique role in fending off the invaders really makes for cool things to see whilst you watch the madness.
News being news, the media (and tryhard social justice warriors) have balked at the fact that the main star is a white man when the movie's setting is Asia. Not really anything to worry about for two reasons: 1) ALIENS ARE IN IT! HISTORICAL ACCURACY WENT OUT THE WINDOW A LONG TIME AGO! 2) his role really is minor, with him taking a backseat for most of the movie because he (and the audience) is watching the showy choreography and the escalating drama of the Chinese side of the production.
Save this one for a bad movie night since it'll give you something interesting to watch but do not expect a grand cinematic experience.

Kong: Skull Island
Let's be honest; Gorillas can get away with pounding on their chest because they're just that badass, but when humans do it, it's just painful and dumb-looking.
So be prepared for a lot of that victorious gorilla spirit in "Kong: Skull Island" as he takes on the military might of mankind along with the vicious beasts of his own native land.In a departure from the standard greedy-filmmaker-takes-away-gigantic-critter-that-falls-in-love-with-leading-lady that these King Kong movies have set as a precedent, we have shady businessmen who want to "survey" a mysterious island and they're joined by fresh out of 'Nam US military. So in addition to the titanic ape menace, the island has weird underground lizard monsters which also plague the island. So the race is on for the humans who have foolishly entered this place to escape the dangers of a place that makes them feel small.

While there are a lot of good to be said about the next entry in WB's kaiju universe, there are things that bog it down. Samuel L. Jackson, normally a treat for his intensity, wit, and Samuel L. Jackson-ness, goes Captain Ahab on Kong as his character is still reeling from the "loss" in the Vietnam war and compounded by all the men that get slaughtered by their initial skirmish with the big guy. So his single-minded pursuit on regicide gets a little tiresome especially after the audience finds out Kong might be a "bad guy"...but he is not a bad guy. The rest of the cast all have their quirks which make their characters vacillate between deep & insightful characters with good motivation and stupid people who make stupid decisions in action and words.
Overall, a very mixed bag but of course the main attraction is giant monsters fighting tooth and nail, and especially with the post-credits promise of a certain other King of Monsters joining the fray, this movie is worth the watch.

For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

It's funny because with Kong's parents are dead and he used a bladed throwing weapon.

Sing
"Sing" can be seen cynically as Illumination animation's (the people who gave us "Despicable Me,"" the Lorax," and "the Secret Life of Pets") response to Disney's "Zootopia" but with more diversity (marine life, creepy-crawlies, birds, reptiles, and simians are part of the ensemble now). However, most of those NEIGHsayers can be shunted to the side because this film is full of laughs, a simple yet elegantly crafted plot, engrossing characters that you really root for, and most importantly of all, most excellent music selections that range from the 60s to stuff you hear on the radio today.
The premise of a bunch of creatures from all walks of life coming together to put on a show is not a new idea. But given that these characters are so diverse and come with their own easy-to-understand motivations and dreams, it certainly feels like an innovative spin on a by-the-numbers jukebox musical.
Whether or not this merited being a story told with talking animals will be up to each individual viewer. But definitely recommend to anybody who cares for good vocal work, both acting and singing.

Win a Date with Tad Hamilton
"It's never going to work. Your values are too different. She actually has values!" - Nathan Lane in another shady entertainment business role
"Win a Date with Tad Hamilton" is a delightful little time capsule to the early 2000s, rife with its distinctive fashion, technology, and attitudes. Plus, there were plenty of famous people before they made it big; Ginnifer Goodwin before she became Snow White/Judy Hopps, Octavia Spencer before her Oscar, and the main heartthrob Tad, played by Josh Duhamel, himself filling in for essentially an undiscovered Chris Pine role.
But despite its datedness, the core of the story still involves the most timeless of themes when it comes to love stories: dating out of your lane.
The girl wants the celebrity, leaving the best dude friend in the lurch. And then the celebrity, a Hollywood bad boy, realizes that her small-town USA innocence is charming, which means he wants to improve himself from this. Meaning the hijinks ensue with the conflicting views of an LA man stuck in the boonies. Plus, the best friend now has a romantic rival so that's always comedy gold.
Beautiful cheesy blast from the past. But really, it's appeal is more in how the characters try so hard to appeal to their respective crushes. Romantic comedy's tried and true formula folks, but with the twist of them actually making some sensible decisions.

Passengers
A fiery redhead in a Pixar movie's trailer managed to convey the main conflict in "Passengers" years before we even knew about Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence: "If you had the chance to change yer fate, wudju?"
This movie's weird blend of WALL-E aesthetic, Cast Away mentality, and that one Treehouse of Horror episode where Homer finds himself the only resident in a deserted Springfield makes it a very intriguing movie to watch as we see good guy Chris Pratt find himself in the stickiest of situations, waking up too early before everyone else...while stranded in a cruise ship in space that's 90 years away from his destination. After enjoying all the pleasures of the ship, he finds himself lonely as hell and willing to do anything to stave off the malaise. ANYTHING.
While many have tried to decry this movie as wasted potential because of the chance of making this a psychological thriller/straight up horror film, I enjoyed the movie as the fluffy love story with the major hurts and hangups along the way it was portrayed. Have a watch if you can easily stomach a story of a blooming dooming relationship.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales
I think I figured it out: the TRUE success of the Pirates of the Caribbean films.
Think about it! The chases where the anti-hero impossibly lucks out of the danger, the sidekicks that don't distract you from how cool the hero is, somewhat memorable villains chasing after the same MacGuffin as the protagonist, and stunning & fantastic locales?
THIS IS INDIANA JONES!
And the same can be said about its 5th installment "Dead Men Tell No Tales."
Another strange and mystical treasure of the sea is up for grabs and multiple parties, including our beloved Johnny Depp in his MOST drunken stupor-est, are all vying for it for their own personal gain. One of which is the son of the original couple from the first three films, inexplicably falling into the same trap as his father...as in finding himself attracted to a strong female who don't let no patriarchy and God-fearing society restrain her from her goals.
And another notch above the last film includes a legitimately terrifying protagonist in the form of ZOMBIE-GHOSTS, led by the ever creepy Javier Bardem, who have a personal vendetta against Jack Sparrow.
Overall, a neat epilogue to the original trilogy and what I hoped would be the last adventure on the high seas with our Ocean Indy...that is until THE POST-CREDITS SCENE WHICH FILL ME WITH SO MANY QUESTIONS!

And because I feel like it, a better scene involving falsely accusing a lady of being a witch

Allied
The trick of being able to accurately describe "Allied" is how much you believe the trailer spoiled the movie.
After a pretty cool undercover spy sequence in the first act, the remainder of the movie is Brad Pitt trying to find out the truth as to his wife's identity, whether or not he is Allied with the right woman.
But if you believe the trailers wholeheartedly, then yeah...movie's ruined.

Wonder Woman
In a weird twist, this decade finally has a prequel that surpasses the films before it...and it was about a bit player with barely any screentime in the previous movie.
I'm talking about the original warrior princess, "Wonder Woman!"
As previously stated, it's a prequel to "Dawn of Justice," where she had the most cursory of screentime in both civilian guise and in hero mode, as this takes in during the time of the dreaded War to End All Wars, World War I. When the impetuous, optimistic, and fierce princess of the Amazons contemplates that line where the sky meets sea and spies a spy crashing his aircraft into their waters, she wastes no time saving him. She learns that it's possible that the the Greek personification of War Ares might be influencing all of mankind into an all-out brawl, and so takes some gear to journey into the Man's World, where hilarious fish-out-of-water hijinks ensue and the brutality of war drives this warrior to find a way to end the conflicts.
A lot of people are wondering just what kind of challenge do the armies of Germany stand against a demigoddess, and the movie shows that it's never a challenge of strength so much as a challenge to the hopeful princess's viewpoint on humanity as a whole, whether or not the evil she sees from war is a true reflection on those her people have sworn to protect. And yeah, there are a fair amount of times you wonder how a lady with all the gear of the dudes from "300" can possibly stand up against machine guns, tanks, and bad gas...but those concerns are quickly squashed with amazing action scenes and choreography to prove just how amazing this Amazon is.
The side characters are also very enjoyable, with Chris Pine playing the spy who loved her as well as his merry band of misfit mercenaries, each with their own distinct personalities and foibles. The actors of their enemies truly show just how dark and savage people (and gods?) could get when war is at the forefront.
Overall, a great display of a character who not only inspires people in and out of universe, but thanks to the compelling visuals and competently written story, this movie is being haled as the return to decency for DC superhero movies. Like their title character, this film brings out the hope that things will be better for this franchise.

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

A lot of people forget how some female characters portrayed on the silver screen were pretty awesome.

The Mummy (2017)
If I asked you to name one of Brendan Fraser's most iconic movies, many people will say "The Mummy." Now, thanks to Universal's attempts to make their own cinematic universe featuring their classic monsters, future generations are going to ask "which Mummy?"
"The Mummy" starring Tom Cruise is definitely a springboard for a whole slew of movies starring the classic Halloween costumes we've grown accustomed to seeing.
Tom Cruise finds himself embroiled in the evil machinations of a mummified evil princess who wants to bring the God of Death to modern day Earth, but not before finding out she's the target of a massive organization bent on stopping the things that go bump in the night. And we go downhill from there since this mummy gets loose and wreaks havoc with sand powers, zombies, and superhuman strength and ferocity.
Jake Johnson (aka Nick Miller from the show "New Girl") is the glue that holds this fragile mess of cheesy jump scares, pointless exposition, and bland acting together. But this guy kept the comedy alive (helping bring it out of Tom Cruise better than he would have with his own lines), and despite the initial "scariness" from his zombification, his ghost form brightened the often times overbearingly grotesque/moody tone.

With the attempt at making the classic monsters relevant again, the Dark Universe should really focus on stacking these Halloween icons together instead of doing what superhero films commonly do (solo solo solo Group), and just keep adding monsters with each film to keep the momentum going. They already threw a Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde into this movie with the hopes of cementing the audience's investment in more zany monster crossovers. Quite frankly, I'm wondering if it will work or if people will dismiss this sad attempt at creating a cinematic universe in the same way as the Dracula film starring Luke Evans tried to do a couple years ago.

For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Probably a better choice for fighters of mummies.

Captain Underpants: The Epic First Movie
Let me take you back to a Scholastic Book Fair held in my elementary school's library. There, I picked up a book that was a subtle blend of light novel and comic about two first-grade wise guys who hypnotized their boss into thinking he's a superhero of their own invention. I put it down and wondered who would read such infantile stuff.
Roughly 20 years pass and I find myself sitting in the theater for a beautifully animated and witty adaptation by Dreamworks Animation.
While the voice actors they used for the kid actors were completely unfitting, the voice they used for Principal Krupp/Captain Underpants was spot-on for the mental voice given to the internally read lines, one half excellent for nastiness and the other performance great for Silver Age heroic charm/narm. The movie adapts roughly the first three books with the possibility left open for more shenanigans in the future. Quite honestly, I would look forward to more of this ridiculously juvenile humor, surprisingly adult comedy, and trope-calling-out.
Watch this if you just want some laughs more suitable for kids, but you want to feel childish.

Part of this movie's appeal is how flawlessly they've replicated the style of the original 2D doodles and translated them to 3D imagery...didn't I say that about the "Peanuts movie" last year too?

Cars 3
Legacy.
How your life or what mattered to you continues on to future generations.
"Cars 3."
While I appreciated "Cars 2" for expanding their strange vehicle-based world and for the implausible coolness that are spy cars, the characters and story fell flatter than that time my tire hit a plank full of nails. "Cars 3" continues the ongoing saga of Lightning McQueen discovering there's more to life than being really, really ridiculously fast.
While the teaser trailer seemed to imply that the horrific crash of our main protagonist be the main crux of the movie, there was already a buildup of the looming despair that "Toy Story 1& 3" touched upon with the Champ, the favorite, finding himself no longer wanted, to be replaced with something better with no hope of things ever returning to the way they were. In McQueen's case, the Lone Ranger himself Armie Hammer portrays the new hotness Jackson Storm as the Zoom to Lightning's Flash. Determined to trounce this new rival, the Wilsonmobile strives to be the best again through any means necessary, taking along his designated trainer, a wannabe racer herself, and they find themselves in one misadventure to the next all with the hope of putting Storm in his place.
The true beauty of this movie comes in the climax so I can't really spoil it. However, I will say that every part of our supposed main character's training journey is not just beneficial to him. Although, the visual beauty of the backgrounds and locations of this world is breathtaking, as if the people who worked on "The Good Dinosaur" threw their expertise into this film to make the movie more than just parked cars talking to each other in almost the same exact framing.
Funnily enough, I've been enjoying a lot of sequels which seem like the true sequel (or next installment) so much so that I'd like to strike the actual sequel from memory. That being said, I'm scratching "Cars 2" from my personal canon of how these movies happened.

Soooo the short in front of "Cars 3" struck a very odd nostalgic chord for me...who even remembers the show "Eek the Cat" that played on Fox Kids, and the weirdo segment on it known as "Klutter?"

Despicable Me 3
So like "Days of Future Past" and "Apocalypse," like "Kung-fu Panda 2 & 3," like "Catching Fire" and "Mockingjay," and most definitely like "Spider-man 2 & 3," where the 2nd installment of a franchise was so good you realize after the 3rd edition nothing could've topped it, "Despicable Me 3" hits me over the head with how positively amazing "Despicable Me 2" is in comparison.
They toned down almost everything in favor of being more kid-friendly in my opinion, with the exception being the bombastic villain this time being a refugee from the 80s, rife with mullet, 8-track tapes, and toyetic TV show, almost as if he were a much worse version of Star Lord.
The Grucy family conflict and theme was minimal, the Minion hijinks were not NEARLY as laugh-out-loud funny as they were in previous movies, and after (hilariously) writing off Dr. Nefario, the new major screw-upper is Gru's twin brother, leading to more antics of Steve Carell having to pick up the slack and save Steve Carell endlessly. About the only real thing this improved on was the ramifications of the Minions, after being established in their solo movie as only following the worst of the worst villains, still being attached to Gru despite him being a good guy now, and whether or not they should be true to their roots.
Good and funny, but lacked a bit of the heart and humor of the last two movies.

 Also, diminutive creatures, some with one-eye, singing a botched version of "I am the very model of a Modern Major General" seems really familiar...

The House
Somewhere out there, some filmmaker is going to have to rename his horror movie about a casino run by two psychopaths who find out they enjoying maiming others because Will Ferrell and Amy Poehler totally took that idea and made it a wacky comedy. Ridiculous premise, crude humor, a smidgen of wit and heart, and the all too tired trend of comedy movies these days of spending way too long a shot on a funny person hoping they say something funny. But I did laugh and I did enjoy the characters undergoing their Breaking Bad transformations.

Baby Driver
"Baby Driver" is another love letter from Edgar Wright to a genre and this time, the heist movie is his amour. Something between a perfectly syncopated music video and brilliant heist movie where the protagonist wants to be a good person but is tied up tight in a life of crime, this stunning thrill ride begs the question to the audience as they sit on the edge of their seats: "how much car-fu can your mind really take?" Star-studded performances complement the excellently chosen song selections as scene-per-scene you have a soundtrack to complement the tone and the characters' emotions. As the Mozart in a go-kart sinks further and further into his criminal activities, the climax essentially becomes one LONG and LOUD chase and you wonder if there's any hope for redemption and a happy ending.

Not actually a baby who drives...but the concept is still there.

Hacksaw Ridge

"When the mob and the press and whole world tell you to move, your job is plant yourself like a tree beside the river of truth and tell the whole world, 'no you move.' " - Captain America and/or Agent 13

 When you're a nice guy, you tend to get beat up a lot. When you're Desmond Doss, you choose to get beat up because you're so firmly rooted in your faith, you believe the 10 commandments with all your heart. "Hacksaw Ridge" told the true story of a conscientious objector who felt duty-bound to serve his country but not kill her enemies. Instead he was the best medic who single-handedly (and with help from the Almighty) saved 75 lives in a cliffside warzone during World War 2 in one night.
Fantastic acting, gripping story as you wonder how this pacifist is going to end up in the Pacific theater and how he will do the Lord's bidding, and most important of all, the characters never seem like cardboard cutouts of wartime heroes, but are so very real in their emoting and acting. The only real nitpick is less about the movie and more about the quality of realism you keep in your war movie: gore. GORE FOR DAYS! Human beings getting pumped full of lead, having limbs blown out, and all other manner of violent gruesomeness makes this hard to watch at times.
Watch is to learn the story of how one man made a helluva difference without being twisted by what he considers the Dark Side.

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.

Heartfall Arises
"Heartfall Arises" probably addresses the idea of a ghost in a shell better than the actual "Ghost in the Shell" movie, but not so much a soul being in a foreign artificial body but organ transplants being the vessels for the former soul.
An investigator hot on the trail of a Robin Hood/Punisher-like serial killer called The General, gets his quarry's heart due to a getting shot by him and him shooting him in the brain. A criminal psychologist is introduced with a crackpot theory that the organ donor's spirit might still be influencing the host's mind, and we see the subtle changes in the investigator, like having a propensity to big black jeeps now and eating spicy food. It gets really complicated when a copycat killer to the General arises and the investigator starts having feelings for the girlfriend the General left behind. FURTHERING complications is the revelation that the General's liver (and violent tendencies) went to another formerly mild-mannered host.
A great twisting Chinese movie full of intrigue and elevated by the performances of the two leads. Not only do the stakes involve innocent lives being threatened but the idea that maybe the killer's philosophy on the so-called victims might not be entirely wrong. The science of the organ transplant being essentially the Venom symbiote is complete ridiculousness, but you wonder just how much influence will spread to the righteous cop and the other guy.

American Assassin
"American Assassin" tells the story of how a wayward student with a grudge against his old sensei is beaten by the sensei's newest pupil.
...
So basically "Kung-Fu Panda" with less hilarity or Batman training Robin to stop Red Hood.
By the numbers action flick but of course Michael Keaton brings his A-game and is the best thing about this.

Kingsman: The Golden Circle
Sum up "Kingsman: The Golden Circle" in as confusing a way as possible? K.
"Posh British dudes team up with cowboys named after booze (and Elton John) to stop people from dancing til they die because nostalgic Julianne Moore wants to be famous."
Overall, a humorous and action-packed spy thriller that invigorates the genre while having amazing characters, as amazing an evil plot as the first film, and only marred by the times they cross the line in what is tasteful (about 3 instances so roughly the same as last time).
Also one of the best renditions of "Country Road" by John Denver as a farewell to a beloved character. 

There is no way you'll be prepared for Elton John Rider Kicking a mook in the face while mugging at the camera.

American Made
If anyone's ever played 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon, you can understand just how many connections someone can have to seemingly impossible people.
That's basically the gist of "American Made" where Tom Cruise's character, finds himself the most important person to several differing parties, on the legal, illegal, and everything in between spectrum, during the late 70s and early 80s. Truth be told, the story, while true, could not nearly be played off as entertaining as it was if not for the trademark Tom Cruise charisma. Add to the fact that several of the old timey references only seem as funny as they do because of how wacky the situation is played despite the seriousness.

A Silent Voice
Guilt: a fiend unlike any other, carrying grief around like so much heavy baggage ready to be unloaded on its unsuspecting victims.
Basically the theme around the Japanese animated film "Koe no Katachi" or in English, "A Silent Voice."
The audience is treated to a slice of the idyllic elementary school life of Shouya Ishida, which is quickly flipped on its head when the new girl to class is deaf. Despite her good nature and cheery personality, kids can always be counted on to be cruel, with the psychological bullying stemming from the girl students and the more overt teasing coming from Shouya. It gets really bad and she has to leave.
Cut to the less-than-ideal high school life of Shouya Ishida as he has become fully aware of how much a bully he was in his past and has grown withdrawn from everyone at school.
This changes when he has a chance encounter with the deaf girl from his past, and like the great atoners of cinema like Jean Valjean and Tony Stark, he sets himself on a new path of self-improvement starting with her. But can he, or she, really let go of the guilt and grief from their past and how it impacts their future?
I went into this movie expecting a bit of star-crossed lovers drama with an emphasis of physical hurdles like "Fault in our Stars" or "50 First Dates." What I didn't see coming was how *broken* BOTH parties were and how it affected their relationship as well as the fragile bonds with their families and classmates. The journey of these two is beyond gut-wrenching with harsh words and harder to stomach actions as they do their best to live their lives while trying to let others into their own.
Watch if you wanna feel feels.

They handed these promo posters out at the theater; despite this being anime, her hair wasn't NEARLY that outrageously pink...it was more a lightish brown,

Only the Brave
 In the interest of not badmouthing the real life heroes of "Only the Brave," I will only say that the movie about their exploits plays like any other movie that emphasizes brothers-in-arms, the families they leave behind, and the harrowing dangers they face nearly every day. The acting is top notch from A & B-listers like Jeff Bridges, Josh Brolin, Jennifer Connelly, and Miles Teller as you really care about these people as portrayed by their performance.

Thor Ragnarok
I will say that the progression of the Thor movies have been a strange one...Kenneth Brannagh gave us a serious drama about family and finding your place in the universe and being a hero...the 2nd one was to capitalize on Loki's newfound popularity, criminally underutilize a Doctor Who, try to funny it up with the Earthlings more, as well as throw another of the Infinity Stones in our face disguised as lava lamp goop...and now, "Thor Ragnarok" is the epicly funny story about defeating a sealed evil bent on destroying them Odin boys' world all while trying to fight their way home from space gladiatorial battle world run by Jeff Goldblum.
Honestly, the colors, the comedy, the excellent actor chemistry, the wonderfully menacing Cate Blanchett and amazingness of the cosmic locations give us all the grand of the Thor movies without the bland.
3/3 for funtimes at the movies in 2017 Marvel. Keep it up for 2018!

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.

Both wielders of mighty bludgeons, magical, and will probably gain their luscious locks back in a 2D animated series.

Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
So when you get horrors from your game unleashed upon the world, it's Jumanji. When you get sucked into the game to experience its horrors, it's still Jumanji...pretty sure that's more the premise for several anime shows...
"Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle" brings the trapped-in-another-world cliches to the untamed wilds of fictional Africa. Four Breakfast Club stand-ins find themselves trapped in not just a video game, but avatars that are completely different from who they are. Truly though, that is the prime source of comedy in this movie, with the cognitive dissonance between the characters bringing forth the most laughs. The few gripes I have with this movie are nitpicks since the game world, and the calling out of its familiar tropes, complete with NPCs who spout just one line, illogical weaknesses, and the game itself being seriously hax, appeal to me, and the humorous situations and characters can satisfy me as great entertainment.  

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.

How to blow up Kevin Hart

The Foreigner

"The Foreigner" breaks the worst rule of making any story worthwhile: YOUR MAIN CHARACTER IS COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT TO THE STORY! A terrorist bomb goes off in London and an elderly Chinese man's daughter is caught in the blast. Thus begins his roaring rampage of revenge against the evildoers who done the evil...except he doesn't. He goes to the authorities and hounds the one in particular who MIGHT know something about the ones responsible. Not only that, but he essentially stages a one-man-war against this government official and all his men, all in pursuit of something Pierce Brosnan doesn't know yet. While Jackie Chan does his gosh-darned best to be a credible threat and Rambo-wannabe, nothing he does in this movie has any consequence on the progression of the story. The fiends are found out through outside means without either of the main characters' involvement, a strike team was all set to take out the bombers without Jackie's martial arts prowess, and the final threat is neutralized through no means of either main character. Dumb story, dumber characters, and all the main action scenes were pretty much in the trailer. Do yourself a favor and remember the good ol' days when Jackie Chan was enough of a character to make a movie worth your time.

Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets
"Valerian and the City of a Thousand Planets" is what happens when you have a grand imagination-fueled sci-fi ride of grandeur, awe, and wonder...and then have the plot and dialogue written by what seemed to be middle schoolers who only know cliches. As humanity makes it through the cosmos in a space station cobbled together by several nations and planets' representative pieces, there are those who have to keep the peace. Enter Major Valerian and Sergeant Laureline, who find the last of an entire species in a other-dimensional bazaar. The critter is very important to a forgotten alien race and they want it back. A grand conspiracy is discovered and of course many ETs are either helping or hindering the investigation.

This is the stuff sci-fi dreams are made of; futuristic technology, bizarre and amazing alien species by the boatload, sweet spacecraft, and alternate dimensions & how to interact throughout em. However, the main problem stems from cliche character archetypes, bad typical lines as if spouted from a robot, meandering and disjointed plot, and a twist you can see coming because you actually paid attention during the prologue.

For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.

John Wick Ch.2
The Boogeyman is back!
"John Wick Ch. 2" picks up very shortly after the events of the first movie and the audience is again treated to the unstoppable hitman of hitmen being the best at what he does, and what he does isn't very nice.
Shortly after the events of the first movie, he is all set to settle down for a quiet life with his new dog, but because he made himself get back in the biz, a crime boss comes a-knocking to call in a blood debt. So John's back into the highly elaborate world of the assassin elite, taking him to Rome where an unexpected twist sends him on the run from more trained assassins, bodyguards, and just people who wish to do him harm. Will he make it out alive or will Morpheus come for him for the long sleep? (half true on that one. hahaha)
Tight and gripping action designed to keep you awake, with gunplay and choreography that will make you think taking a life was just so simple. The world building is expanded to an almost ludicrous level, with me going so far as to describe this as the parallel Earth where everyone's possibly an assassin or fairly trained killer.
If you loved everything about the first movie, you'll love this one too.

Just DON'T ask him to do One Last Job for you...it's never just One Last Job

Downsizing

"Downsizing" is a great concept but unfortunately, it is absolutely not enough to carry a 2 hr+ film. In the effort to reduce humanity's strain on the planet, Swedish scientists manage to find a way to shrink people down to the size of GI Joe. So it costs a lot less to sustain somebody if they can get by living in dollhouses and eating portions that even ants would scoff at. So from there we follow a pathetic excuse for a character, Matt Damon, as he drifts through his newfound tiny existence...except since almost everything is scaled down to him and his fellow 5 cm tall community, it's a lot less "The Borrowers" and more like "Oh look at this giant thing in an otherwise very normal setting."

In addition to the preachy save-the-planet spiel, there is also the attempt to make the commentary that there will always be the haves and the have-nots. Matt Damon manages to find a Vietnamese maid who shows him the other side of this toy story, and really the only problem with this is the rampant racial stereotypical depiction of the poor. BUT THEN IT DOESN'T END THERE and they journey to Norway where they meet a community hellbent on living out the doomsday scenario in a Noah's Ark-like bunker.  He almost gets roped into joining them but changes his mind and goes back to his idyllic life of flip-flopping between extravagance and helping the poor.

AND NONE OF IT REALLY MAKES ME THINK I'M WATCHING ANYTHING OF WORTH! It drags and drags and drags. The scenario is hardly worth noting until something reminds you that these people are actually very small. Even the shrinking process is needlessly extended, detailing shaving heads, removal of waste, dentistry, and other mundane prepwork. Do yourself a favor and come up with your own imaginary scenarios of how living like Arriety and other Borrowers would be like instead of watching this movie.

Otherwise, a very normal scene of Matt Damon at a party...with a normal sized flower...because we need to constantly be reminded he's small.

Kung-Fu Panda 3

What plagues most action movies, superhero, spy, or otherwise, is how to escalate threats with each segment. Say for example, in your first film, you have an arrogant warrior trained by the man who trained you. Then the next film should have a fairly competent kung-fu practitioner who not only committed genocide but also mastered the power of industrialization and firearms. So now, with the third installment, the most logical choice would be...an airbending master water buffalo who wants pictures of Spiderman and has the same schtick as Mewtwo from the first Pokemon movie.
...
Sounds right to me.

"Kung-fu Panda 3" manages to be almost the opposite of the 2nd installment with all the dark themes overturned by a greater emphasis on the comedy and the focus being on side characters that aren't the Furious Five. With the great Dragon Warrior getting complacent in his role, he learns that he must step up and be a teacher to others. On top of this challenge, an ancient evil is awoken with power to capture his opponents in little jade trinkets, and then being able to call them back as mindless jade statue minions. And furthermore, our hero has to unlearn his lessons from last time about being ok with his adopted status when his real father comes back, and introduces him to his real extended family. When all three obstacles come to a head though, Po has to train his nonthreatening bear-kin in the ways of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts (sorry, but Po's officially a better in training helpless villagers than Ip Man.)
The continuing quest of Jack Black achieving kung-fu master status gives us the most character development for him in this film, with surprisingly more given to James Hong as his adoptive duck father, playing him at the supreme level of Asian parenting and adoptive parent worries. And while we spend almost no time with the kung fu masters we've been hanging around with the past two movies, we get to experience the antics of the pandas, who are literally in the culture of creative time-wasting. Further props to newcomers Bryan Cranston, having a joyful energy to his voice coupled with the sadness of losing his family (So no Heisenberg here guys. Sorry), and JK Simmons, being an absolute ferocious beast while still being good for a laugh.And then they cap it off with a big dance party number, like they used to do with the Shrek movies. Overall, not as good, but not too shabby either.

Creative folks who know how to trailer without giving away anything at all.

Cluster of reviews for movies seen in 2015

The Hobbit: the Battle of the Five Armies
One last time for Peter Jackson's vision of Middle-Earth in "The Hobbit: the Battle of the Five Armies."
After Benedragon Cumbermatch attempts to lay waste to the town of men only to find his end at the descendant of a hero, the Lonely Mountain is up for grabs. While the dwarves we've been following are claiming their rightful place, with their leader going especially crazy with his newfound wealth, both the Men and the Elves drop by to try to claim some treasure as their own.
It doesn't go well.
With the advent of war breaking out between the three races, the dark forces also unleash their might at this most inopportune time. It's a major clash of clans, monsters, for freedom and treasure with our poor protagonist getting caught in the middle since he's just a peace-loving hobbit.
Much sadness in this film (mainly because of onscreen deaths that mean something), but I feel it is a fitting conclusion to this long, LONG story about the bravest little hobbit of them all.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

RIP Leonard Nimoy.

Kingsman: the Secret Service
 Humpty Dumpty would've had a much better fate if he were repaired by the blokes from "Kingsman: the secret service." It's kind of funny that they themselves say that they're essentially a James Bond movie and a "My Fair Lady" movie, with all the posh British spy-action you can muster along with the training of the rough-and-tumble street rat that Colin Firth makes his protege. Main quest of these new knights of England is stopping Steve-Jobs-as-portrayed-by-Samuel-L.-Jackson and his "blade runner" minion from destroying 90% of the world's population.
The action, choreography, characters, and all-star cast are superb and you would be doing yourself a disservice by not seeing this secret service. The only thing that might turn people off is the rampant blood and gore that is sometimes supposed to be played for laughs (and there is a fantastic scene of faces exploding to Pomp and Circumstance), but other than that, it can be almost cartoonishly ridiculous.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

For when you need something to groove to during the Hate Plague

Home
I'm a little conflicted with "Home" the latest from Dreamworks animation, a movie involving aliens who take over earth because they're running for their own lives, but shunt all of humanity away in bubbles to Australia, and the little girl who must find her mother with the help of a completely despised member of the alien conquerors.
Now I could view it cynically as just a Rihanna-sings-half-the-soundtrack-buy-her-music vehicle, with the "comedy' being the aliens' own ineptitude, their leader actually being Steve Martin, when it comes to Earth stuff and Jim Parsons voicing himself only speaking more like the Kraang from the Nickelodeon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. On the other hand, I could actually give it the benefit of the doubt and see it as an attempt to capture the same two-different-and-antagonistic-species-come-together-in-friendship-and-family magic that was phenomenally done in "How to Train your Dragon."  Either is a fine interpretation since the real plus of this film is the visuals, giving the aliens nicely animated mood-ring-esque skin in addition to their odd and whimsical technology.

Paranoid aliens really need to relax around kitties.

The Simpsons movie

Just because a movie says at the beginning that you really shouldn't watch this because you can probably stay home and get it for free on TV...DOESN'T MEAN IT'LL HAPPEN! YEARS OF WAITING FOR IT TO SHOW UP ON FOX DURING RERUNS AND I FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND WATCHED IT BECAUSE I AM A SIMPSONS FAN!
"The Simpsons Movie" is pretty much an extended episode where something strange and ridiculous happens and somehow it involves the titular family.  Everything you enjoy about the show is there and present, with the characters all being spot on and the humor being either completely hilarious or swing and miss with groans.
Overall, only watch this if you're a hardcore Simpsons fan.

Transformers 4: Age of Extinction
I was right not to pay for "Transformers 4: Age of Extinction" since it seemed even more unwatchable than the previous 3 movies. Checked it out from the library and got all my disappointments met.
You just can't have black ops American government types hunting peaceful Autobots. You just can't have Mark Wahlberg saying and acting dumb for no particular reason. You just can't have bitter and angry Optimus Prime swearing off protecting humans anymore (and straight up murdering Kelsey Grammar). You just can't have Stanley Tucci being an insane businessman genius-type that is only tolerable with Tony Stark's personality as he tries to manufacture transformers, but fails miserably and gives Megatron a new body.

Simply put, DO. NOT. WATCH.

For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Anyone who cares about "spoilers" for these movies either love Michael Bay or Transformers way too much.

200 Pound Beauty

"200 Pound Beauty" is a funny little film from Korea, poking fun at Korean pop culture like nobody's business, using the always-funny, tried-and-true method of putting pretty actresses in fat suits, and then taking them out of it for some life-changing journey. Not only does it bash fat-shaming, but it also takes jabs at how society treats pretty people, the fakeness of the Kpop music scene from both performers and singing standpoints, and how fame and lies can change people, not just appearances.

Dallas Buyers Club
"Dallas Buyers Club" is an interesting look at what would happen if Robin Hood and Little John were a crazy Texan and a transvestite. 

Matthew McConaughey plays Ron Woodroof, who can pretty much be summed up as "the worst of white trash." That all changes however when he's diagnosed with the heavily stigmatized HIV. At the end of his rope, he goes to Mexico and finds another way to combat the disease. Eager to not just earn more money but to help those still suffering from HIV, he starts a club where he markets this new treatment as a gift so that he's not legitimately selling the treatment. Of course the big medicine companies are ruffled by this most unorthodox means of stealing their customers and potential guinea pigs. The race is on for whether or not Ron can keep being a Good Samaritan or if he'll get shut down.
Overall, amazing performances from all involved and you really get drawn into his story of fighting the system.

Robocop (2014)
Having never seen the original Robocop in 1987 (less than 1 year old at that time), I didn't really have many expectations on going to see this new reboot of the cybernetic lawman. However, "Robocop" was a slick action movie and I enjoyed watching a man struggle between not just crime and corruption but against his own programming and becoming the ghost in this metal shell.
In the near future, robots and drones make up the majority of how America fights its international fights. However, as Samuel L Jackson exposits in a TV bit that makes it seem like he's trying really hard not to ask what's in your wallet, the average American citizen has seen enough "Matrix" and "Terminator" movies to be reasonably paranoid of the prospect of robot overlords. The robotics people get their chance to prove the superiority of robotic peacekeepers when detective Alex Murphy gets blown to kingdom come and the only way to save him is to turn what's left of him into a cyborg. The twist is that while he thinks he's in control of the machine that is now his body, whenever it's time to fight crime, a peacekeeping program overrides his actual personality. With the attempt to download surveillance systems and criminal databases and stuff into his brain leaving him pretty much on the verge of going comatose, the higher-ups then proceed to completely erase Murphy out. But is he really gone?
Overall, a slick action film with some choice performances, and even though I haven't seen the original, this movie makes me think I'm missing out for sure.

It's funny because he wants his Robocop in black; he only works in black...and sometimes really really dark gray

The Grand Budapest Hotel
I cannot even begin to describe the amount of fun I had watching "The Grand Budapest Hotel."

The visual/cinematography fun, the dry wit and deadpan hilarious delivery fun, the unexpected cameos fun (a Ghostbuster, an incredible Hulk, a Dark Lord of magic, a jealous composer, an Oscar-winning pianist, and a Green Goblin are in this film!), there was just so much FUN! 

It's a story of a story of someone telling a story about how a lobby boy is brought under the wing of the main concierge manager played by Ralph Fiennes as an eccentric womanizer but still very proper. They get into hijinks together and when an elderly lady seems to leave her vast fortune to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and not her extended family, so begins the plot of trying to save themselves and clear their names all the while their country is on the brink of some war.
As mentioned before, it's a whole ton of fun, but the only downside is that I can't even really begin to describe what KIND of movie it is...Indie for sure...but what exactly does this fall under?

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Ugly! Yes with a capital U!
Not only just the general aesthetic of our favorite heroes-in-a-half-shell either. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" as produced by Michael Bay is full of ugly choices and ridiculous detours from the established lore of our ninjutsu-practicing, pizza-guzzling, teen terrapins. Primary crime amongst these ugly choices is turning April O'Neil into a try-hard, giving her the most scenes of unnecessariness. Further nitpicks include boring villains down to their footsoldiers, changing them from ninjas to ye-average-military-goons, to their completely disposable Shredder, and to their boss, whose primary motivation was the same as from "Amazing Spiderman." There was only two scenes which I felt truly captured the essence of the Turtles' characters, but both were from the humorous standpoint since their origin story was so full of poop like the sewers they inhabit.
The only way I can recommend this movie is if you see this, get hyped, and want to learn what the pre-established setting is for that trailer.

For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) review, go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

If you had the misfortune of watching the film, here's something to wash the taste out:

Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
Anyone going into "Avengers 2: Age of Ultron" expecting James Spader to essentially be Reddington from "The Blacklist" with more homicidal tendencies...nope. In fact, Reddington might actually be a more effective badguy because while Ultron's voice and facial expressions still have the same menacing timbre as Red, the man doesn't start apologizing profusely after maiming a person like the clumsy girl in a shoujo anime!

Tony Stark and Bruce Banner manage to create artificial life...and just like almost every other movie where that happens, the creation immediately turns on his creators and humanity. Recruiting two more mutants (erm, gifteds. But that's splitting hairs, we all know they're mutants) with grudges against the system and the Avengers, the rogue AI known as Ultron tries to perfect himself and destroy all humans and it's up to our 6 highly dysfunctional heroes to stop him.
Big movie with excellent comedy, some decent pathos, more A+ actors playing off of each other and their characters' foibles, and of course, superhero-y action up and out the wazoo!
For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) review, go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

There’s something very wrong about using innocuous Disney songs to sound menacing...

Mad Max: Fury Road
No Mel Gibson? No problem. Our replacement Bane-speaking-like-the-Hulk did just fine.
"Mad Max: Fury Road" is not so much about our titular road warrior so much as Fullmetal Charlize Theron rescuing slave women dressed in what looks like toilet paper and chastity belts.
AND WHAT A LOVELY RIDE IT IS!
A lonesome drifter wandering the post-apocalyptic wasteland gets captured by a cult leader/warlord, and it just so happens that his most trusted lieutenant, a one-armed woman named Furiosa, takes that day to break out his prized breeding wives out of their mountainous prison. Due to unusual circumstances with his captors' bodies, our protagonist finds himself strapped to the front of a car like some bizarre mermaid on the bow of a ship. After his escape, he enters an uneasy alliance with Furiosa as they spirit away these women yearning for a promised land, while being pursued by the cult leader and his psychopathic cronies. The desert is no place for a big rig though and throws further obstacles in their way in addition to the madmen they're escaping from.
Overall, an insane dose of testosterone and chase movie so full of stupid-fun action and stunts, you'll need to remind yourself to breathe during the quieter moments.

For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here

Not actually drawn by that guy who does "One Piece" just a damn good copycat (No, not the guy who does "Fairy Tail" either)

Tomorrowland
Can we just agree that Disney should stop making movies out of their theme park attractions? The reigning king is still "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Tomorrowland" is no contender for the throne.
A young boy finds his way to an alternate dimension (or the future? It was kind of unclear) where inventors can go wild with their ideas.
And then we fast forward years later and now the focus is on a teen girl who is so full of ingenuity and hope for a better tomorrow, it's kind of sickening. When given a pin that puts her in a fully immersive augmented virtual reality, she HAS to find answers...and she gets them vaguely by the little boy all grown up, now played by George Clooney. Along with a little girl who recruits dreamers and visionaries to go to this place of wonder and excitement, they make the long and treacherous trek to find a way to get to Tomorrowland...only to find it lacking some vitality due to a doomsday predictor.
The star of this film really are the aesthetics, with the beauty of Tomorrowland and George Clooney's Home-Alone-Advanced, trap laden house. This is sad then when they actually get to Tomorrowland and all the Flash-Gordon-era wonder is replaced by borrowed-some-of-the-leftovers-from-Tron-Legacy. The three main characters deliver ok performances along with the antagonist in Hugh Laurie, giving us a slightly MORE bitter and disillusioned Doctor House. There is an amazing commentary about how and why most of modern pop culture and stories all seem to involve the apocalypse but it's a major spoiler so can't say here. Overall, like Tomorrowland itself, it promises so much and then fails to deliver.

A fair question somebody should've asked kid George Clooney

American Sniper
American Sniper > Hurt Locker.

There. I've said it. Would gladly give that one the Oscar instead of Hurt Locker.

Because while both deal with the harsh duality of civilian life and warrior life, this one actually tries to set up their main character as a honor-bound, protector-type instead of a nutjob with a deathwish.

Chris Kyle's exploits in learning how to be the best of the best of the best sniper 'Murica has ever made are chronicled with usual Hollywood flair. There's even something of a rivalry/revenger subplot going on with an extremist sniper who has killed one too many good American soldiers. But the meat of the story really is how our hero, played by Bradley Cooper, manages to cope with civilian life and how he sadly keeps distancing himself from his family.
And if you've watched the news, you probably spoiled yourself on the ending. Whoops.

Seriously, did nobody trust Bradley Cooper with a real baby?

Foxcatcher
From purely a film critic's point of view, "Foxcatcher" can be seen as the story of a directionless manchild torn between following the charismatic, (MURICA!) patriot of a sheltered richboy, or following his true brother, the only one who cares for him and only cares about his welfare.

In the opinion of the casual movie-gover though, it's a roughly 2 hour wait for Steve Carrel to snap and do something dangerous, since you can feel the lurking menace and creepiness beneath his ridiculous William Shatner impression.

Jurassic World
In the same way I felt like "Dark of the Moon" was a more proper sequel to Michael Bay's "Transformers," I felt that "Jurassic World" is the "Jurassic Park" sequel we deserved. Everything you loved from the first movie is upped to be bigger and better (?) than the first movie.
Like the first movie, things go wrong and extremely dangerous dinosaurs, with one specific mega-evil hybrid being the most pressing threat, are loose. There are more plot points, but really, that's what you came to see.
On the original story side of it, unfeeling-to-the-point-of-stupidity robot woman learns to let loose, learns to love, and learns to actually care about things that aren't just business-business-business-numbers. And Star Lord bonds with another pack of lethal creatures that are the only reason he survives the climax.
Overall, if you enjoyed the first Jurassic Park movie, and wanted to see what a fully realized theme park filled with dinosaurs would look like, this is DINO - MITE!
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

For a while, the Internet was obsessed with turning Chris Pratt's raptors into cute girls with claws.

Inside Out
Well Pixar better clear out another spot on their Oscar shelf because "Inside Out" is another winner!
A truly innovative and unique way of thinking about what goes on inside a young girl's mind when life takes a less-than-favorable turn, making this tumultuous phase of normal life into a grand journey for two anthropomorphized emotions to be back where they belong.
As per typical Pixar fare, it is full of emotion and heart with clever lines, breathtaking aesthetics and environments, and phenomenal voice-acting giving their characters a realness and a life beyond the
fact the pseudo-Muppet characters portrayed.
 What truly makes this unique however is that it fully captures the emotion and nostalgia of how the transition from childhood to adolescence felt, while still being bright and cartoony for kids.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

In a perfect world, he would've ended up here...in a perfect world...

The Lion’s Roar
"The Lion Roars," or a more accurate translation, "I Married a Lioness from the South Side of the river," will forever be in my top 3 favorite Chinese movies. Not only is it a beautiful story with laughs and feels alike with unforgettable characters, and subtle kung-fu movie references, but it's a brilliant look at lives of music superstars as filtered through the time period of the ancient Chinese, as well as a poignant story about finding, and fighting, for the ONE TRUE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!

"It's just that simple."

What's not simple however is finding a version with accurate English subtitles...or a copy of the movie altogether...

Man on the Ledge
"Man on the Ledge" can best be described as a heist film with the noblest of intentions but the WORST IDEA FOR A DISTRACTION EVER! You, as amateur thieves, cannot believe that a man about to jump from a hotel in New York City would garner you hours of time for your elaborate plan to unfold!

Get Hard


"Get Hard," the Will Ferrel and Kevin Hart vehicle shows us just how narrow-minded and bad-at-adapting, white privileged folk can be when it comes to perceptions of race and treating people like people...or it could be Will Ferrel making a classic fool of himself and Kevin Hart eggs him on in a hilarious take on mistaken identity and race relations.

Serenity
I saw "Serenity" before I saw its series "Firefly." 
And now that I have, I have a deeper appreciation for this true ending for the TV show.

The problem that mucks up many movies that are continuations from when a TV show's ended is how exactly to make it seem like not just an extended, better-than-average episode. 
Thankfully, "Serenity" managed to be it's own grand cinematic experience without claiming the "best episode" title (that distinction goes to either Ariel or War Stories in my opinion). What the film does differently from the episodes is that it really kicks off the motley crew's rise into full-on rebellion, what with most of the episodes having them flee at the first sign of Fed trouble while causing trouble for them all the same. Furthermore, they risk their necks for really harming the Empire by not just facing their most dangerous covert kung-fu Operative, but they have to fight their way past rampage-lovin' space orcs and uncover one of the many mysteries that plague their resident psychic. 

Overall, a great climax to the best Space Western with Eastern Asian influences where you learn the most powerful forces in the 'Verse are Love and Freedom.

Wouldn't matter if they did that pixelated thing with their mouths...still can't lip read Chinese curse words.

Minions
All you need to know about the movie "Minions," is that the last word said in that movie is, "Despicable."

But it's exactly what you would expect from the trailers. Best little sidekicks do a version of a Three Stooges sketch with more gibberish/random foreign language words. Three of the banana-lovin' Twinkie critters make their way to a villain convention in the 1960s to find a new bad egg to follow loyally and blindly for the rest of their lives. They find one, and due to a misunderstanding, they end up on her bad side and hijinks ensue with them trying to stay alive.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

In addition to TicTacs and bananas, these are probably the only things that should've been promoted by the movie. Who the hell wants Minion paper towels?

Ant Man
In the vast, infinite possible parallel universes, there's a place where "Ant Man" really is an Edgar Wright film instead of one just sprinkled with a few of his most common tropes (fence hopping, quick edits, and dramatic moment reduced to a comically underwhelming one).

But for the one we got in this universe, it was alright.
Due to unintentional side effects on his psyche that might've led to an infamous slap, Hank Pym, as played by Michael Douglas, has given up being a superhero who can control ants and can shrink to the size even smaller. What makes matters worse is that the guy he left in charge of his tech company has figured out how to replicate his success with shrinking. So he needs somebody to destroy these plans and make sure that the wrong hands never grab ahold of this technology again.
Thankfully, he knows a guy.
The recently released ex-convict with a master's degree in electrical engineering, Scott Lang, as interpreted by Paul Rudd, is hired to pull off this one last job. Not only for an honest paycheck, but for getting the respect of his estranged family and especially his little girl. Along the way he's helped by other more friendly criminal connections and Hank's daughter Hope.
Overall, a heist movie is always cool, and when you throw superpowers into the mix, it's pretty darn amazing. Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas deliver with performances that convince you that they are these characters. 
Also, anybody with pet lambs will cling a little tighter to them after watching this.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Sometimes the jokes write themselves.

Dragonball Z: Battle of the Gods
Once again, the Earth is spared the wrath of a super-mega powerful alien because he fell in love with its delightful stuff...namely the food. Lord Beerus, the sphinx-cat-looking, god of destruction, sets his sights on Earth in "Dragonball Z: Battle of the Gods" in hopes of finding a worthy adversary. But he's defeated not by superior fighting prowess, nor beings who can yell for hours on end and turn into a white supremacist's happiness, but by a birthday buffet.
And that's all the movie is really.
There's no menace, no phenomenal fights, no continuity (why are antagonists from the first arc of Dragonball now kids when Dragonball GT has essentially been retcon'd with this movie?), no clever way to defeat this new "threat," and worst of all, Goku's only able to achieve his newest form with help from his unborn grandchild's fetus.
The only thing likable about this movie is that we're back onto theme naming with characters; the whole realm of alcoholic beverages are now suitable names for characters in the Dragonball universe (Beer, Whiskey, who next? Gin? No wait, that's from Bleach).

And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, PEOPLE DIE!

The Fault in our Stars
There are very few things as timeless as the theme of love-amidst-troubles/obstacles, and in this modern era, we've started to regard it a little bit with scorn and derision, believing that such things are cliche-filled nonsense...but I can't say that about "The Fault in Our Stars."

Two teens in a cancer support group fall in love, and then the audience is essentially dragged along on their romance of much more ups than downs, with their biggest hurdle not being unnecessary relationship drama, but more on how their respective illnesses are tearing their lives apart. Cliches of cheesy teen romances are on full display here and I wouldn't dream of challenging anyone to a drinking game with this flick...but I can't hate it. It's beyond cheesy, the male star is too idyllic and full of the best quips, the female lead is a vibrant firecracker but still a sensitive soul, and I can totally dig the beautiful chemistry between them.

Overall, this is prime date movie material, and anyone too manly to handle this? "Pain demands to be felt" and I demand you feel it too.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
It's starting to look like a good year for spy-thriller movies, since after "Kingsman," the next big spy org to hit the big screen is the Impossible Mission Force. "Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation" proved that it can keep upping the ante when it came to ridiculous stunts, suspenseful sneaking-into-strongholds, high-octane vehicle chases, and classic spy mindtricks/normal tricks that have defined this film franchise.

Tom Cruise once again delivers as the best of the Bond-ish, Ethan Hunt and his supporting team of espio-bros (they can never hold onto the female agents can they?) track down a covert operations group known as the Syndicate, which, while hyped to be like the evil mirror counterparts of the IMF, really come across as simple mercenaries/rogues/military goons. Along the way, the run afoul of traps, roadblocks, bureaucracy, conspiracy, double-crosses, and all manner of buzzwords involving spy movies.

Overall, great action film and another successful installment into the Mission Impossible series (with the only real black mark I can think of being the first one...and you can't really fault it for trying to find its footing.).

Watch this after you've seen Rogue Nation and ask yourself if these movies' plots are starting to fall in a rut.

Justice League: Gods and Monsters
The best way to describe "Justice League: Gods and Monsters" would be that it's the R-rated fanfiction that Bruce Timm and Paul Dini always wanted to bring to life but their own animated canon (and the network censors) shut this idea down.

Superman is not only the biological offspring of Neil Before Zod, but also raised by Spanish immigrants, Batman is not Bruce Wayne but one of his foes turned into a pseudo vampire, and Wonder Woman is not of the old gods of myth, but the New Gods, Jack Kirby's brainchildren. As mentioned before, there is blood, brutality, cursing, death of innocents by the truckload, sexual overtones, and even a Red Wedding (yes, even someone who doesn't watch Game of Thrones knows what that is). But at the same time, the show really tries to paint these new heroes as well-intentioned extremists...so I guess it's the 90s era of superheroes again eh?

Overall, watch if you want to see your beloved DC superheroes twisted into outrageous parodies of themselves and if you want to question what other topsy-turvy madness might this world produce.

Totally saw that coming when they mentioned Will Magnus and his “wife” Tina

Fant4stic
It's funny isn't it? How superhero movies INSIST on general audiences take them seriously in the same way that all the edgy kids in high school did?
The latest victim of this sad and ridiculous trend is Marvel's firs superhero team, the Fantastic Four, which Fox owns instead of Marvel because reasons. "Fantastic Four" or as the posters and l33t speakers want you to believe, "Fant4stic," really sucked the fun out of this project. All is angst, darkness, and a general unhappiness from all characters involved, which is even the case before they get their disfiguring crime-against-nature powers brought upon by interdimensional gateway accident (because cosmic rays from space travel is just so boring right guys?). Instead of grand superheroics around the world or New York as it normally goes, it is confined mainly to a government facility as they're poked, prodded, examined, and referred to as subjects or weapons. Great times for all involved yeah? And even when the villain shows up, it is beyond stupid, both in appearances, motivation, and vague and unexplained powers. Furthering our disappointment is one gleaned by cheating off of the end to "Avengers: Age of Ultron" by cutting and ending the whole thing before an essential line can be finished.
If compared and contrasted from the 2005 version, this movie goes to the opposite end of the scale. What is excessively goofy and nonsensical is now all excessively dark and gritty. Somewhere between that movie and this movie is the Goldilocks ideal of Fantastic 4 film, where fun can be had, drama can be had, but not at the levels of extremes from either movies we've seen.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.

Behold the one instance they thought they were being funny and clever with their characters. The only instance!

Blade
Vampires are not new to the world of fiction. And just like every monster, there are people who hunt the monsters and put them down for the good of humanity.
Which is why it's so much more interesting and (relatively) unique when you have a vampire that hunts other vampires...in Western media at least.
"Blade" is a very D-list Marvel hero that got a serious revamp (ha!) in the style department, helped immensely by the fact he is played by Wesley Snipes. He's what's known in amongst his people as a "daywalker" because of his seemingly complete lack of typical vampire weaknesses, due to a weird quirk that happened when he was being born. While he goes out every night to destroy his own kind (with a combination of silver and garlic weapons), the ruling vampire elite are fine with letting him do as he pleases. However, there's a big shakeup when a younger elite vampire tries to destroy the ruling class and summon a vampire deity. So it's up to kung-fu action Buffy Shaft to save the day.
Slick slick action movie with an amazing lead, enjoyable side characters and villains, and a darn good movie to "stake"your movie-watching time on.

As cool as that line is...it doesn’t make much sense.

Blade II
After seeing both "Blade" and "Blade II," I'm pretty convinced that this movie was set during an earlier Matrix. Good guys and bad guys clad all in black leather, physics defying fights, and it was established that more monstrous programs likened to ghosts and vampires existed in the Matrix before Keanu Reeves was the One...so why not?
A new breed of vampire mutant has emerged and it proves a threat to both humanity and vampires alike. Blade has to team up with a special team that was designed to hunt him down, as they both try to eradicate these new evils without most of the typical vampire weaknesses. However, a dark conspiracy soon rears its ugly head and Blade is doing all he can to come out of this ordeal alive.
Directed by Guillermo Del Toro, this is a gruesome treat since many of his stylistic choices are combined with the already slick precedent the previous Blade movie had set. Fine action helped along by not just Wesley Snipes but by the legendary Donnie Yen, who even has a nonspeaking role in the film. The only really unfortunate things I can think of in this movie is how they copped out of a grand sacrifice from the last film, and that this was an era before Stan Lee thought it was a good idea to cameo in Marvel movies.

Behold Guillermo Del Toro's vision of a vampire to make other vampires scared shitless

The Giver
When I was a middle schooler reading this book in English class, I'm pretty sure that the fact "The Giver" was set in the future was in the back of my mind. However, I never thought it would be so far into the future that they would have to borrow some of the atmosphere and aesthetics from other dystopian future stories such as the Hunger Games series the Divergent series, and Michael Bay's "The Island."
In case you missed out on the book, Jonas lives in a community where everything is so sterilized, censored, and independent of free thought, everyone might as well be robots or zombies. Without a freedom to pursue their own dreams, the young teens are given their jobs at a coming of age ceremony. But not so the case for In case you Jonas since he is given the dubious title of "Receiver of Memories." Since the world can't completely do away with the memories of the world as it was, somehow all of the knowledge of differences are crammed into one dude's head, played here by Jeff Bridges in a role reminiscent of his wise-but-dangerous-old-man persona from "Tron Legacy." From there, Jonas truly feels alive as he is flooded with memories of all the things that make us human. However, with the good must come the bad, as Jonas learns the negative aspects of humanity, the reasons why all was sameness. Made even worse by the revelation that his perfect little community hid darker sides that the sheeple could not understand was so bad. 
On the technical side of things, it felt all wrong because I never pictured it as something so futuristic since I always interpreted the setting as not-so-far-into-the-future-so-it's-enough-to-be-scary. With the book, the imagery presented in the words always felt like it could happen at any time, which was a better impetus for change than anything Tomorrowland ever preached at its audience. But the movie's shining moments were definitely when the Giver shows stock footage of humanity to convey specific memories.
For an amusing review of the book as well as its themes, go here.

If you were expecting more Taylor Swift in this movie, this is pretty much her only scene. There’s probably one more flashback with her in it, but really, maybe Ms. Swift should stick to music videos


Penguins of Madagascar
Undoubtedly, the best parts of the Dreamworks Madagascar movies are the penguins. The four highly delusional penguins who believe anything and everything can be treated like a spy mission were so successful in popularity that they got their own show on Nickelodeon with a questionable timeline in relation to the movies. Thankfully none of that show is necessary for enjoying their feature length movie "Penguins of Madagascar."
Shortly after the events of "Madagascar 3" the 4 penguins are on another mission with the theft of a snack chip from a vending machine treated with their trademark flair. However, they run afoul of an envious octopus with a personal vendetta against penguinkind and his devious plot to mutate all the cute tuxedo birds into horrid abominations. Our heroes are saved however by an even bigger group of secret ops arctic animals, The North Wind, led by a wolf voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, and immediately heads butt about how to go about stopping the dastardly deeds of the malicious mollusk.
Overall tons of fun with a bunch of creatures taking things way too seriously and a load of ridiculousness for the Jack Sparrow(s) of the Madagascar movies.

Whoever wrote these lines deserve some kind of pun award

Descendants
Not to be confused with the George Clooney movie with Hazel Grace and Hawaii, "The Descendants" is the Disney Channel movie with a brilliant concept. Given the premise of the scion of some classic Disney villains rejoining a a land where the son of Beauty and her Beast is set to rule, you know that only the utmost care was taken in concocting this potion of a mov-
OH NO! THEY SPILLED *ALL* THE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL ON IT!
As much as I wanted to enjoy the what-if of the offspring classic Disney villains finally re-entering the society of the goody-two-shoes and the ramifications of beings bred with evil interacting with a world foreign to them, that is not what this movie is. Instead it's a ridiculously bad attempt at merging the storylines and timelines of classic Disney tales but messing up major by having the setting be high school-based and botching up the setting by confusing time and places, and SERIOUSLY killing any source of credibility by destroying any attempt at convincing us that the classic characters we know and love (and love to hate in the case of the villains) are the people on screen.
What makes things worse is that NONE of the songs have anything catchy about them. If you were to make a musical, there is no greater sin than having no songs be memorable, nor well written.
The only redeeming aspect of this film is having Kristen Chenowith play Maleficent with all her hammy and cheesy powers in her acting arsenal.

All hail the mistress of darkness and haaaam!

Into the Woods
"This is ridiculous; what am I doing here? I'm in the wrong story" which is the best way to sum up "Into the Woods," the Broadway musical turned into live-action Disney musical.
Basic premise is that all fairy tales shared the same universe and stuff happened. Main story seemed to focus on a forgetful baker and his wife, the Angel of Verdun, on an RPG fetchquest for a witch who will grant them their deepest desire. Little Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel, Cinderella, and Jack and the Beanstalk are involved. That is the first half; the 2nd half involves the fallout from all the actions of the previous half with all the tragedies that follow.

As mentioned before, it's a Broadway musical mixed with a Disney musical, meaning cliches are heaped upon cliches (parental abandonment/death issues, dangerously dark adult themes being brought up, and heavily edited classic tales). All the A-list celebrities are singing their hearts out and it looks fantastic, but because it is an adaptation of a musical it is burdened with things happening offscreen that must've been more interesting, whole scenes of sung monologues in one setting, and rather questionable songs.

Overall, this should only be recommended to die-hard Broadway enthusiasts and folks who wish to see some masterful lyricists try to make songs revolve around stories.

Just two bros deciding to sing atop a waterfall...no big deal.

  

Hot Rod
"Hot Rod" was pitched to me as something very similar to "Napoleon Dynamite" but it is far better. The power of SNL backs this flick and a lot of the comedy is indicative of just the super random moments that only Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, and other like-minded funny folks can come up with.
An aspiring daredevil seeks to follow in the footsteps of his daredevil father, but his stepfather is intent on squashing those dreams. When that stepfather becomes terminally ill though, Rod comes up with the "brilliant" idea of doing a stunt for charity so that they can raise enough money for a life-saving operation...all so he can beat the man within an inch of his life for "respect" and "honor."
And the whole film is pretty much every random and ridiculous moment after moment for comedy to shine, all leading up to the big stunt event with Rod as the daredevil with a cause.
I would rank it around the same place as "Dumb and Dumber" but surprisingly with a lot less stupid; it's more like a stupid that is so endearing that you can't hate it.

VS

The taco wins but only by playing dirty.

Lone Survivor
I normally am able to detach myself from stories, which is why I can watch war movies and movies about wars with some minor mental adjustment. Such was not the case when watching "Lone Survivor," the tale of a military op that went wrong and the small group left behind enemy lines. For I knew that with all the intense action and violence and adrenaline-pumping, breath-holding scenes, it was probably a thousand times worse in real life.

Further respect to all the warriors of this proud nation, for what they've seen, what they do, and what they have to endure.

Also, knife = duck, shabu = knife.

Summer Wars
After having the misfortune of watching the Digimon movie "Our War Game," (as well as a slew of Kamen Rider movies) I have come to the conclusion that the Japanese do not know what to do with previously-established franchise movies. They give you nothing but "fanservice" without any regard to continuity in regards to the show, without any attempt to make a good story, and instead fill them with easily fixable plotholes that make the entire thing quite pointless so that status quo can reign supreme.

On the other hand, "Summer Wars" is proof that the Japanese have a semblance of decent film-making swimming in gene pools in families that do not have Miyazki or Kurosawa at the end of their names (or the front?).
The story is very similar to an Edgar Wright film where a typical life stage/event just so happens to cross paths with something fantastical; in this case it's a wacky family reunion with the problem of a rogue AI wreaking havoc on a social media site, and by extension the whole 'Net. Each character introduced is quirky and well-developed, the action in the virtual world is visually stunning and an imagination-filled treat, and there are legitimate moments of when the audience can feel the tension as stakes escalate. The moral of the story is perfectly palpable too since really, nobody ever really gets tired of knowing that family doesn't always have to be blood.
For a review from a fast-talking British snark machine, go here.

Advice more people need to heed these days...

Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
What's the best way to advertise a popular museum of various topics and cultures? Throw Ben Stiller and a bunch of other funny people into a crazy-fun adventure with the setting being the Smithsonian of course!
"
"Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" is the rare example of a movie which takes almost everything we loved about the first one, and escalated all the better aspects of it while still keeping things new and fresh.
 Ben Stiller is tasked with finding his friends from his old museum and breaking them out of the Smithsonian archives in DC. However, the magical Egyptian doodad, which now seems to remind me of a golden ipad, manages to infect the whole complex, which leads to everything from paintings to sculptures to non-working models to likenesses of great historical figures to roam free.

Great bunch of starpower in this new film, chief amongst them being Amy Adamms as an incredibly perky Amelia Earhart and Hank Azaria as an evil Egyptian pharaoh with a lisp. Not only are their great historical injokes, but we also have a better threat than the first film with the aformentioned evil pharaoh recruiting some of history's greatest fiends to antagonize the Ben Stiller and his ragtag bunch of weirdos from different eras.

Overall, great fun and especially great to see the Smithsonian museums be the prominent feature in this movie.

and

How very sad that we don't get to see these two work together after all...

Die Hard
My mother was very fond of telling me in Chinese when I did something bad as a kid if I want to "Die Hard." (難改)

After seeing Bruce Willis go through so much in the 1988 classic about a lone cowboy cop fighting impossible odds against German thieves in a skyscraper, no mother, I don't think I can so glibly tell you that'll be fine.

Even though I'm roughly 27 years late to the party, it is still an amazing piece of film making, total enjoyment hampered only by the idiotic law enforcement-types (Seriously, da chief and FBI HAD to be like that?) who definitely did not help the situation. 
Also, 10 points to Slytherin for Professor Snape as he plays a menacing villain with as much equal parts sophistication and brutality as Shere Khan.

Watch it again in preparation of the holiday season!
For a quick recap of the movie redone with cartoon bunnies, go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
For seeing just how hard Bruce Willis should've died, go here.

You know you've made it big when even this battered and dirty thing ends up in the Smithsonian Museum as American culture

Birdman (or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Never before have I been so captivated by a long long walk down a hallway with the soundtrack consisting of primarily drum beats.
If you don't know what that means, go watch "Birdman (or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)" since it has the noteworthy distinction of being one of the longest oners with almost no true cuts between any scene.
In a strange mirror to Michael Keaton's own life, his character Riggan Thompson was in a superhero movie but declined to continue being in the franchise, and in a bid to stay relevant and redefine himself as an actor, throw all his time, effort, and money into a Broadway play. But while struggling with the multitude of problems from his actors, his daughter, his ex-wife, critics, and audiences, he must also deal with his alter ego playing the devil's advocate and giving him vaguely unexplained psychic powers...or does he?
As mentioned before the brilliance of this film lies in what seems like the movie filmed all in one continuous take, with very rare obvious cuts, mostly with scene transitions. Not only that, but part of the mystery the audience has to piece together is whether or not Riggan really does have psychic powers or not, making his Birdman persona more a legitimate superhero or not. With further exceptional performances from Edward Norton, Emma Stone, and Zach Galifianakis, this is one film not to miss.

None of the kids came close, but these sound like hilarious premises for spinoff movies

Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
I've never really understood the appeal of NASCAR, since I understand the idea of a high-speed race, but I can't comprehend why people want to see people race in circles as a form of entertainment. But movies on racing and NASCAR tend to focus on the human element and "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" gives us the best humans to focus on. Will Ferrell, John C Reilly, and Sacha Baron Cohen are at their funniest and most obnoxious. 

Ricky Bobby was literally born to go fast, and what better outlet than racing cars? The hotshot is thrown for a loop however when an upstart Formula 1-racing Frenchman makes a fool of him (bigger fool at least) on and off the track. From there, it's all about Ricky Bobby getting his mojo back as well as resolving his family issues. 
Will Ferrell is his usual obnoxiously loud and ridiculous self, only accented by John C Reilly's insane love of his "best friend," and Sacha Baron Cohen and his wavering flamboyant/classy accent is the perfect foil to the pair of crazies.

Overall, one of Will Ferrell's best movies despite it being iconic Will Ferrell movie.

Knowing my undying love of cats, this might be me in the future.

Pan
Ever since the precedent set by Johnny Depp portraying pirates more as really weird rock stars instead of ruthless buccaneers, that's been the trend for pirates in film. But after seeing Hugh Jackman as Blackbeard leading his crew and slaves in poor covers of Nirvana and Ramones songs, I think it's time to stop.
 "Pan," or as I like to describe it "Adventure Cliche Extravaganza," tells the secret origins of young Peter from his time in an orphanage, to being a slave of pirates, to being a runaway adventurer, and finally, a reluctant savior.

I hope y'all like ham and cheese, because every actor is borderline psychotic in their performances with it. Peter, Blackbeard, (No-Volume Control Cowboy) Hook, all of em are hammy and cheesy to a fault.

I can say though that it's totally worth watching for the unique interpretation of setting and characters. As previously established, pirates are more like Don Carnage starting a rock band, mermaids glow ethereally, crocodiles are as massive as Spielberg interpreted them as back in "Hook," but the most credit must go to the Indians, erm Savages, erm, Native Neverlanders, erm POLITCALLYCORRECTTERMFORFANTASYNATIVES!! Seriously, they take aspects of almost every kind of nature-loving indigenous tribe from Earth, (Native Americans, Aborigines of Australia, actual Indians, and several Southeast Asian island cultures), mish-mash it together, and you're left with an amazing culture that can only be seen as Neverlander.
If anything can be nitpicked about visuals is that the filmmakers seem to want to go the Netflix Daredevil route and not give our boy his iconic look til later. Also, with the inclusion of the sequel bait since so much of the origin story is left untold, we're left wondering if this made enough money to really have more flying forever youngling.

Overall, story is a mess and somewhat painful to watch, but your eyes will thank you for the beautiful moving images before it.

Because apparently concentrated magic somehow becomes embedded in the dirt in Neverland and Blackbeard will give you chocolate if you find any.

Bridge of Spies
For a clearer picture of the witch-hunt mentality prevalent in America during with the red scare, look no further than the Steven Spielberg film "Bridge of Spies."

With Tom Hanks needing to be the defense for a spy, the spy himself by all accounts seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, you really feel all the pressure this lawyer has to go through. On top of that, further complications in Germany and the USSR make his job as a tactful negotiator that much more difficult and you wonder how he can get through this ordeal with his humanity and life intact.
I like to think of this movie (at least the first half) almost like another telling of "To Kill a Mockingbird" showing how an honest man is dragged into the politics of the time and having to defend what seems to be another honest man. However, more espionage and secrecy mixed with bureaucracy-wrangling make the 2nd half a bit much when the first half was so well done.

For a real trip, go watch this before watching the movie, like I unintentionally did. I dare not spoil y’all with a preview because funny.

Spectre
While most people I've talked to agree that "MI5" was a superior spy thriller, the man from MI6, 007 gave a good run in his latest adventure, "Spectre."

James Bond is hot on the trail of mastermind behind all the nefarious plots he's foiled since "Casino Royale," and the same debate on the efficiency and relevance of super spies from "Skyfall" continues to plague Voldemort.
 As is typical, it's a whirlwind trek around the world picking up clues and chicks, as well the eventual mayhem that follows Mr. Bond like a plague.
While the other spy movies this year have been usually perceived more exciting and more fun, this latest installment of the grandaddy of the genre takes its time to leading its audience down an intriguing trail of intrigue as Daniel Craig does stuff only a more mellow James Bond specializes in. That's not to say that the action is subpar oh no; there's crazy car chases, wince-inducing fisticuffs (especially with the new henchman in charge, Drax the Destroyer), races against the clock to save someone, and gunfights galore!

Overall, you could do a lot worse as far as spy movies go, but especially for fans of the character, it's a pretty worthwhile attempt to wrap up all of Mr. Craig's achievements as the most brutal and action-packed Bond.

Just how different would this movie be with this guy as our lead character?

Mockingjay Pt1 & Pt2
Another movie trilogy based off a young adult book series ends with "Mockingjay" and like most trilogies, the third time is not the charm.

The end of "Catching Fire" gave us the revelation that the rebellion is much more pronounced than the Capitol thought. Part 1 is basically how Katniss becomes the public face of the rebellion, being used as a propaganda tool, with her discovering the misery of the other districts. All the while, this shell-shocked veteran is dealing with her own demons of leaving the boy she loves behind. Part 2 is her and a team of other likable side characters going to the Capitol to assassinate the evil tyrant in charge of such a horrible nation...bad stuff happens along the way. Lots of bad stuff.

I grouped these two movies together because this was one story, just split into two by the powers-that-be. It is the endgame of a story of how one girl defies her totalitarian government by subverting their gladitorial combat/Bear Grylls-style survival competition and thus becomes an unintentional symbol of aimin' to misbehave. Unfortunately, none of what made the previous two movies great is a part of this last installment. No competition, no fake celebrity BS that strangely mirrors our real world treatment of famous folks, and no creative scenarios that test wit, stamina, strength, and alliance-building; it was all fight-da-powaa, all the time now. At times, you really do feel for these rebels, with shades of the charisma and character of other great freedom fighters, like from Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean, but then you see their own rigid, militarized, super-structured way of living, and you wonder what is the true enemy Katniss should face at the end. 

Overall, if you want to find how ends the story of a girl struggling to survive in a harsh world and cruel reality show, you watch this. If not, stick to the first two movies since "Mockingjay" could very well be a roller coaster of misery on par with "Les Miserables."
For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) reviews, go here and here.

Because when you've been brainwashed by the government, that's always the gamble to play

Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens
Adventure Time
C'mon grab your friends
We'll go to very distant lands
With Finn and Rey
And Han Solo
And Chewy the Wookie
It's Adventure Time!

Like most people, I was cautiously optimistic about the return of Star Wars to the big screen. But thankfully my fears were just paranoid what-ifs and the movie was entertaining and fun while still retaining that Star Wars flavor.
If you thought the Empire was done with after the 2nd Death Star blew up, you thought wrong. The remnants of the Empire became the First Order and aside from the name change, there hasn't been many changes. Except for a massive change in their hiring policies for stormtroopers. Gone are the clones and morons who can't shoot straight, but instead they get the space equivalent of African child soldiers. One such trooper on his first day realizes just how much of a wrong crowd he's hanging with, breaking through his mental conditioning and has a change of heart.  He breaks out the First Order's newest prisoner, ace pilot for the Resistance, Poe Dameron. Upon crashlanding on the desert planet, the trooper, nicknamed Finn because nobody wants to be called a serial number for the rest of their life, also crashes into a junk scavenger named Rey. Together, they escape the First Order with Poe's droid, an adorable roly-poly with attitude called BB8, and from there, it's an epic TREK through the STARS, meeting new races and old faces. Just like Finn and Rey become the new faces of the good, the bad guys have their poster child in the form of Kylo Ren, which can only be described as the biggest Darth Vader fan, seeking to emulate style, mannerisms, and impeccable control of the Dark Side of the Force. With the threat of an eerily similar doomsday weapon and Kylo Ren from the First Order, Finn, Rey, and the rest of the rebels become the new GUARDIANS of the GALAXY.
The beauty of this movie is that while it pays homage, and in some aspects directly copies, scenes and themes from the original trilogy, it still feels like a great movie on its own merits. It is not a mindless retelling of the same story with different characters, but it brings its own different-yet-distinctly-familiar spin on it. The characters can be a bit much, but that only makes sense in an ever-growing galaxy of characters striving to catch your attention.
Overall, Han Solo said it best as he and Chewbacca walked into their beloved Millenium Falcon one more time, "we're home," and that's exactly what it felt like watching this movie, coming to a place that fills you with good cheer and excitement; no better place to call home than a Galaxy Far Far away.

For folks who are belittling our defective stormtrooper for being in sanitation, y'all forget there are legitimate monsters lurking in the trash.