Alice Through the Looking Glass Wow, who would've thought "Swashbuckling Pirate Queen Steals a Time Machine to Save her Friend and Mend a Broken Relationship between Two Queens" would be such a good movie!
...oh yeah, that's what it is, but it's actually called "Alice Through the Looking Glass."
In the same vein as Tim Burton swiping somebody's edgy fanfic of Alice in Wonderland, this new director takes an imaginative story, with interesting characters and intriguing mechanics of time-travel, but with one major problem: has absolutely NONE of the Lewis Carrol spirit. None of the characters are consistent with how they were depicted in the original novels, somewhat consistent with the previous movie's depictions of them, but really?
Sasha Baron Cohen is an interesting take on the personification of time as some sort of clockwork cyborg German with shades of the Grim Reaper as well, so not really a malevolent entity, but one who is slightly antagonistic all the same.
And we get the most tired of cliches with the backstory that the Mad Hatter's father didn't approve of the way he did things...almost exactly like Johnny Depp's other daddy issue from another Tim Burton retelling of a classic children's story. >_<
Overall, pass this unless you really want to see the characters from the previous movie show up in all their CG weirdness glory one more time.
Bit of a trip seeing him as a doctor in an asylum...
Central Intelligence
The movie poster tagline already took the best synopsis of "Central Intelligence" that anyone could muster: "Saving the world takes a little Hart and a big Johnson"
When one act of kindness in high school leaves the recipient like those three eyed aliens in "Toy Story 2," Kevin Hart is surprised that the Rock owes his newfound confidence to that act of kindness. What's even further baffling though, is how the Rock is still essentially a grown-up kid, and whether or not he is the culprit behind some horrible espionage crimes.
Crazy good chemistry between the two leads, and Dwayne Johnson really shows off his best psychopathic man-child act. Intriguing story since like any good spy tale, you don't know who to trust. Definite recommend for crazy action and crazier hijinks.
I have the nagging feeling that the Rock with a fanny pack has become an ascended meme because this old pic was comedy gold.
Legend of Tarzan
So what happens when you try to bring a civilized Tarzan back to the jungle to save Africa from the invading whiteys? He gets his ass kicked and you need to resort to bringing Samuel L. Jackson playing a naturalist/sharp-shootin' cowboy to help him out.
"The Legend of Tarzan" has Christoph Waltz forging an alliance with some tribe whose chief is angry at Tarzan for reasons and so lures him back to the jungle with the feigned offer of friendly diplomatic relations. Of course Jane gets kidnapped, Tarzan and a bunch of buddies, animal and human, must save her and stop a madman from enslaving the people of the Congo and getting more dangerous foreigners to their shores.
Pretty good movie but since it relies so heavily on the fact that the audience already knows the story of Tarzan and Jane, it would've really been helpful to have cued us in somehow without the use of random intermittent flashbacks to their past that broke up the flow of the story and the action. As usual, Samuel L. Jackson kinda steals the show a bit, being a fictionalized depiction of a real life person who brought about humanitarian change in the Congo, but we can forgive him for that since he livens up the movie tremendously. The Tarzan and Jane they got for this movie weren't bad, but seemed a little reserved and awkward at times.
Check it out if you're a fan of swinging from vines, fighting with wildlife, and yodeling calls of bravery.
Truly Tarzan's most superhuman of powers that most stories ignore.
Spy It's funny.
I was going through the Chinese video store and they changed the title of this movie to "The Sticking-out Spy." Which is certainly a more apt title than simply "Spy" starring Melissa McCarthy.
Due to double agents in the CIA, the tech support character Melissa McCarthy plays finds herself thrust into the field because nobody would suspect a person of her stature and demeanor to be a secret agent. And while this is both a humorous deconstruction and a straightforward spy flick, it really shows off the amazing cast of characters and their over-the-top performances.
Our main protagonist delivers as she can do almost all the stuff Bond can, Jason Statham is a grown-up version of that bragging kid on the playground who claimed to do impossible stuff, Jude Law plays the suave spy very well, and a whole host of other colorful characters make this film a treasure trove of funny.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of the Shadows
Funny
how I watch one movie about mutants that defend a world that fears and
hates them and then watch another film about mutants that defend a world
that fears and hates them.
"Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Out of
the Shadows" is the film every ninja turtle fan has been waiting for.
The best part is that you don't even need to see the previous major
failure of a movie (Not even as a Ninja Turtles film, just a bad movie
in general). They only make two references to the previous film and for
all intents and purposes, they can be ignored, and you could see this
film by itself and have just a crazy fun time watching the cartoonish
antics of everyone involved.
Therein lies the double-edged sword
of its success though. While the former movie was trying its darnedest
to twist and pervert everything you loved about these unlikely heroes,
this one does all it can to just check off what the fans wanted on a
giant checklist without any actual idea what these elements should have
and how it'll make sense to tie in to the world they've previously
crafted. Albeit, while there is a lot of the ugly and stupid elements
removed from the previous iteration, new things pop up to bother both
fan and casual moviegoer alike.
As mentioned before, its strength
is in how much it borrows from the X-men factory of getting audiences to
care, what with the turtles getting "outed of the shadows" and seeing
baseline humanity have the worst reactions to them. Its secondary and
third strength is a greater emphasis on the humor and the cutback on
Megan Fox as April O'Neil screentime.
All in all, entertaining but a requirement is either turning off all logic centers in your brain or copious amounts of alcohol.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) review, go here.
Joke made by Nostalgia Critic years and years ago, and boy does the right theme song make you leave the theater feeling better about the whole experience.
Huntsman: Winter's War
Having never seen "Snow White and the Huntsman" (in its entirety; I really did try to sit through it but gave up not even a quarter of the way through), I believed I could still enjoy "Huntsman: Winter's War" without having to think back on a previous movie.
WELL LOOKS LIKE I'M GOING TO HAVE TO TAKE THAT NOTION AND "LET IT GO!"
We start off in a bizarre twist, as a prequel Charlize Thereon and Emily Blunt play sister queens who, through great tragedy, Emily Blunt finds out she's essentially Elsa from "Frozen," and retreats to the northern half of Europe, kidnapping children along the way, and turning them into an elite fighting force. Chris Hemsworth reprises his role as the Huntsman known simply as Eric and he is the best of the best; unfortunately due to a meshing of love, magic, and good ol' fashioned stupid, he is banished from the frozen kingdom and the events of "Snow White and the Huntsman" play out.
Then the movie cuts to sequel time with the Huntsman now having to fetch the lost magic mirror with some dwarves, all the while fighting goblins (who resemble more horned angry gorillas than goblins) and his fellow badasses from olden times.
Quite honestly, this film lacks sense and good humor, but it certainly was tolerable to watch. Watching all the actors ham it up, enjoying their time in a fantasy adventure flick with such gusto, especially from Hemsworth, Thereon, and Blunt, was a good time. So good, you can almost forget this was a half-assed attempt to make this dark fantasy re-telling of the classic Snow White story a film franchise.
An easy way to enjoy this odd duck of a prequel/sequel is to imagine this as Chris Hemsworth's theme song.
The Imitation Game
I usually wonder about the kinds of actors that can portray the socially inept and whether or not they're just that good at their craft or if they got actual machines to play them.
Thankfully, I've seen several Benedict Cumberbatch works now and can safely assume he is not actually a thinking machine...erm, a mechanical man. But it sure is familiar seeing him play an arrogant intellectual dude with very little social graces in "The Imitation Game."
Mr. Cumberbatch plays a mathematician that takes it upon himself to be the puzzle solver to break the biggest Nazi puzzle to the Allies: the Enigma code machine. So Britain assembles a team of smarties to figure it out, but due to previous circumstances of Cumberbatch's character, he doesn't work well with others and wants to create a machine to figure out the secret for him. Along the way, he comes across Kiera Knightly who helps him be more social and helps him figure out not only the secret to the codes, but also to himself and how he can crack the code of interpersonal communication.
Plenty of good performances, deep and dramatic story, and lots of anxiety from the interpersonal tension.
Quite an uncanny likeness...except I'm sure Mr. Holmes has a bit more fierceness in his visage that just can't be denied.
The Angry Birds Movie The worldwide gaming phenomenon finally has their big-screen debut! And as Forrest Gump so delicately put it, "Lieutenant Dan...you've got legs!" "The Angry Birds Movie" shows us the power of social pariahs and giving into the Dark Side for righteous causes...notably stopping infanticide. A group of misunderstood, "passionate" dudes in a society of humanoid flightless birds is sentenced to anger management class after their shenanigans cause them to be the outcasts in their almost too idealistic community. When a kingdom of pigs come to their island and seem to be on a goodwill mission but in reality just want to eat their eggs, it's up to them to rally their avian brethren into using the pigs' own technology against them and regain what they stole. Humor out the wazoo, some a little too inappropriate for its target audience, ridiculously gorgeous animation and graphics, and some top-notch vocal talents, with plenty of easter eggs (har har) for fans of the game.
Since it's never explained why the Birds of this universe have gained super powers but no flight, I'm just going to speculate in the same way Stan Lee did when he came up with the X-men: mutation.
Ex Machina
A deeply disturbing and hella artsy-fartsy look at what it means to be human, to have created life, what is love, and all that other Frankenstein jazz, "Ex Machina" shows us hot woman and it sparks in the viewers a bunch of conflicting emotions because it's a robot woman...and possibly slavery.
A not!Google employee is offered a chance to go to their boss's hideaway in the wilderness to see his latest project: an android. The boss needs him to help the android learn to be more human, and while that seems like an innocuous enough project, the robot is modeled to resemble an attractive and shapely young woman. Thus begins the long and complex relation-building between the man, the machine, the machine's creator, and the tension between them all becomes thick enough to cut with a knife.
The entire time watching, there's always an edgy feel to the atmosphere. The small cast and the small homey complex gives a bit of a claustrophobic feel as well. And while this might be turn offs to some, it certainly gives the movie an amazing darkness without broadcasting it.
A brief bit of levity in an altogether way too serious movie. When Oscar Isaac passes away, please let this be his Oscar in-memoriam clip.
The Secret Life of Pets When it comes
to Illumination animated movies, it's very hit or miss. While there are
moments and scenes in any of their movies that are golden, there can
also be flat characters, uninspired story, and wonky decisions regarding
art style. Despite all that, "The Secret Life of Pets" is a
wonderful collection of scenes that any person who's owned a pet, or
enjoys the stereotypes of animals we've come to care for, can laugh and
appreciate. But storywise, it's essentially "Toy Story" with two dogs
at each other's throats, the group of friends trying to save them like
in "Toy Story 2," and, of all things, an antagonistic force of abandoned
pets who are La Revolution against humanity...and this is all played up
for laughs. For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
Throw some yellow on this thing; they didn't even disguise the fact this was a Minion voice.
Having never taken drugs that alter my perception of reality, I can only commend filmmakers who wish to convey these visions of madness with the rest of the world and throw all their money at CGI artists to make this possible.
That being said, "Doctor Strange." (And it has to be DOCTOR with the same amount of insistence that Jack Sparrow has to be called CAPTAIN Jack Sparrow)
The fine folks at Marvel Studios give their take on the most magical, mystical hero in their roster, Doctor Strange, showing us his origin from a thrill-seeking, arrogant God-complex dude who undergoes a horrific accident, finds a way to help himself and thus uses this newfound power to save and protect people after having his eyes opened that there's more to life than just his massive ego and intellect.
...oh wait, that's Tony Stark.
While this may have shades of the Iron Man story, the Marvel movie formula can arguably all be summed up with the thought of selfish and unlikable a-hole goes through a journey to become a better person and an actual hero. Plus, this is a much more visual spectacle and Benedict Cumberbatch delivers with a (somewhat) passable American accent and a whole lot of sass. Further honorable mention goes to the most zen and Yoda-like of the kung-fu wizards, the bald Tilda Swinton as the Ancient One who teaches Sherlock how to combat the darkness within and the dark dimension pressing in on the home turf.
What's even more fascinating is that just like the sorcerers of this movie, who swipe energy from other dimensions to make magic, the filmmakers here swiped the vibe and feel from other movies to make their magic. (To name a few, Iron Man, 2001 A Space Odyssey, Karate Kid, Aladdin, Ghostbusters, Poltergeist, Inception, and Edge of Tomorrow)
Highly recommend if you want to be taken on a ride of fun and crazy, but less terrifying than Willy Wonka's tunnel of uneasy psychedelicness. For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.
Think back. Back to your very first memory of fictional media.
Was it a big yellow bird teaching ABCs & 123s? How about a silly ol' bear who got stuck in his friend's front door? Or if you're like me, it was four panels, featuring the non-adventures of a bald kid, his friends, and his super-competent beagle.
"The Peanuts Movie" is something simple, yet artistic, moralistic yet not preachy, imaginative but not completely off-the-wall-bonkers, and, speaking as a long-term fan, everything you've ever wanted in a movie featuring Charlie Brown and friends.
Unlucky everyman Charlie Brown tries his darnedest to be a competent human being but life seems to be conspiring against him as almost every endeavor he tries becomes a colossal failure. As stated before, everything Charlie Brown isn't, Snoopy the Beagle is. The cool, smart, and resourceful dog is on fire as the hyper-competent friend who doesn't say a word, but is the most supportive of good ol' Charlie Brown, which is ironic because he has frequent fantasy segues into the wonderfully imagined of France during World War I where he fails constantly against the Red Baron in "dogfights." With these two together, Charlie Brown is on a mission to improve his image not just to his peers but to the new girl in town who he has the most massive of crushes on.
The beauty of the animation style is a seamless blending of the typical Charles M. Schultz style, 3D animation, and almost photo-realistic textures and backgrounds. The voice acting cast does wonders to invoke the classic voices of the kids you hear almost every Christmas, as well as the mumbles, odd bird noises, and characteristic "adult" trombone noises from the toons. Best of all, the characters are on-point, faithful to who they are without any alteration, especially giving Charlie Brown his moments to shine and display his good heart, and their setting is as the original artist intended without ever seeming dated. And despite its source material being a Sunday newspaper strip, it does not fall into the pitfalls of several of its funnies-awkwardly-adapted-to-different-format brethren, and its story is very well formulated and coherent. Plus all the Easter Eggs (courtesy of Easter Beagle?) sprinkled throughout the movie will surely tickle that nostalgia center.
Overall, an amazing film for all ages and my childhood being fully realized on the big screen is a treat to behold.
All characterization was consistent with my background knowledge except for a weird
attraction between these two; in all my years of
reading and watching Peanuts, who knew this would be the surprise ship of the franchise?
Good thing "The Good Dinosaur" was a fluke in story quality and likable characters because "Finding Dory" is another Pixar hit, with both those items in spades, and the most delightful/blatant use of powerful emotions and some weaponized cuteness (So much so, that they threw some of that weaponized cuteness in their mini-movie before the show, "Piper.")
Further proof to never trust the trailers since it seemed like our favorite Regal Blue Tang was going to be a major hindrance and be oblivious to the plot as it develops around her. But no. She was able to carry this movie on her sieve-like noggin, with her chipper attitude, mixed with her heart-breaking worrisome states, and her motivation and active participation drives the plot forward.
Through flashbacks, we see part of her sad past, and how she entered the previous movie. And with the right trigger words, she remembers that she has loving parents that might still be waiting for her back in California. So while the previous film was a journey fraught with terrors, obstacles, and the most unique of characters, the journey was not the focus, but the destination, an aquarium/sealife rehab center. There, we find out how little Dory managed to become the lovable and delightfully random character she was in the previous movie, and the new cast of intriguing characters with their own motivations for helping Dory find her family. Hijinks and feels ensue as the assorted marine life help along our protagonists.
As most GOOD Pixar movies do, they manage to tap into some fundamental humanity that gives their characters a relatability that can make you forget that what you're relating to is a toy, a mechanical being, a horror from another dimension that uses children's highest decibels for power, or the very emotions that run your brain. This film in particular still taps into Marlin's Papa Wolf tendencies, but he is better than last time. And he learns that sometimes a disability is not a liability, as he finds out, and admits that he knew from last time, that the way others do things may seem wrong to us, but can actually be what you need to get through the obstacle. But the main item of relatability to take away, is that this is basically a shout-out to any parent who has to care for a mentally disabled child. We see Dory's parents needing to carefully supervise her constantly, and being led to tears at the prospect of whether this handicap will hinder her from fitting in with society, or even surviving on her own. Beyond even that, we see Dory herself struggle with the mental hurdles of her own blasted memory retention deficits. The agony and deep desire to regain what was lost are etched onto every freckle of that fish's face and the voice acting carries that feeling to the audience loud and clear.
Overall, I will not say that is is BETTER than "Finding Nemo" as it is still the most epic and gorgeous voyage across the ocean I've ever seen, but I thoroughly enjoyed the fantastic trip to a chaotic aquarium as we sympathized with our fish friends.
GAZE UPON DISNEY'S LATEST WEAPON OF ULTIMATE CUTE!
What plagues most action movies, superhero, spy, or otherwise, is how to escalate threats with each segment. Say for example, in your first film, you have an arrogant warrior trained by the man who trained you. Then the next film should have a fairly competent kung-fu practitioner who not only committed genocide but also mastered the power of industrialization and firearms. So now, with the third installment, the most logical choice would be...an airbending master water buffalo who wants pictures of Spiderman and has the same schtick as Mewtwo from the first Pokemon movie. ... Sounds right to me. "Kung-fu Panda 3" manages to be almost the opposite of the 2nd installment with all the dark themes overturned by a greater emphasis on the comedy and the focus being on side characters that aren't the Furious Five. With the great Dragon Warrior getting complacent in his role, he learns that he must step up and be a teacher to others. On top of this challenge, an ancient evil is awoken with power to capture his opponents in little jade trinkets, and then being able to call them back as mindless jade statue minions. And furthermore, our hero has to unlearn his lessons from last time about being ok with his adopted status when his real father comes back, and introduces him to his real extended family. When all three obstacles come to a head though, Po has to train his nonthreatening bear-kin in the ways of the Anything Goes School of Martial Arts (sorry, but Po's officially a better in training helpless villagers than Ip Man.) The continuing quest of Jack Black achieving kung-fu master status gives us the most character development for him in this film, with surprisingly more given to James Hong as his adoptive duck father, playing him at the supreme level of Asian parenting and adoptive parent worries. And while we spend almost no time with the kung fu masters we've been hanging around with the past two movies, we get to experience the antics of the pandas, who are literally in the culture of creative time-wasting. Further props to newcomers Bryan Cranston, having a joyful energy to his voice coupled with the sadness of losing his family (So no Heisenberg here guys. Sorry), and JK Simmons, being an absolute ferocious beast while still being good for a laugh.And then they cap it off with a big dance party number, like they used to do with the Shrek movies. Overall, not as good, but not too shabby either.
Creative folks who know how to trailer without giving away anything at all.
Anticipation is a funny thing; as you see events culminate and grow, forming into history, you desperately wonder where things go from these disparate points. That is the true appeal of "Captain America: Civil War." The
required reading before going into this feature are the events of "Iron
Man," "Captain America: The First Avenger," "The Avengers," "Captain
America: the Winter Soldier," and "Avengers: Age of Ultron" (can be
argued that y'all would need to watch "Iron Man 2,"" Iron Man 3," and
"Ant Man" too, but not essential IMO). If that seems a lot of movie to
watch to fully enjoy one movie, who would watch "The Force Awakens"
without learning to appreciate all the Star Wars movies beforehand?
So
despite all the Marvel movies so far seeming to be relatively free of
consequence, it finally comes to bite the Avengers on their collective
butts with their accumulated wanton destruction, causes of bad guys, and
as Bruce said in the first Avengers movie, "ticking time bomb"-ness.
The governments of the world said that enough is enough and want the
Avengers to be put under their thumb so that they can still fight evil,
just with their permission. This splits the Avengers right down the
middle with an even amount siding with an EVEN MORE GUILT-RIDDEN Tony
Stark, and the other half throwing in their lot with Steve Rogers, who
having seen too much corrupt government crap in his last movie, believes
in the freedom of choice...specifically the choice to stop bad guys
whenever, wherever, and however they want. So as the super team fight for their
ideals, we get to see even more of this wonderful Marvel universe, with
the introduction of the vengeance fueled Black Panther of Wakanda, and
the very youthful Spider-Man of Queens, New York. DESPITE ALL THIS, the
main story actually follows Captain America, still on the path of the
Winter Soldier, and trying to clear him for a recent offense.
Even
though I recommended a bunch of movies that you should've prepped on
like an exam, I feel like the casual movie goer would still be
thoroughly entertained. This is accomplished mainly by trying its best to make the viewer
empathize fully with each of the characters. Iron Man believes as
much as he does for becoming a dog of the military because he has
finally realized all the crap that's happened is something to be
penitent about. Captain America, fresh from adopting a dead loved one's
philosophy, beyond having to be the embodiment of freedom, has to
believe that the ones with the greatest of powers are the ones with the
greatest of responsibilities. Wanda and Vision's budding chemistry,
T'Challa's anguish at his king dying, the street-level heroes of
Spider-man and Ant Man going gaga over the chance to work with these big
name heroes, and Bucky coming to terms with all the terrible things
he's done over the decades are all very human elements in an otherwise
very fantastical world. Highly recommended, if not for your love of
superhero movies, then the idea that all these movies spent with loved
ones were all for some kind of payoff. For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here. For a creative overview from a fellow movie-reviewing friend that lists three pros and three cons, please go here.
In a truly baffling stylistic choice, they did away with little footnotes or "deetaleet-deets" of where we are now and instead went with the "Kill La Kil" method of GIANT. OBTRUSIVE. WORDS!
First question on everyone's lips regarding "Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice" is usually, "Is it better than 'Man of Steel?'"
Yes, yes it is.
Next question is usually, "is it a good movie?"
No, not really.
While the movie does fix many of the things I felt were wrong with its predecessor, a whole host of other things have taken their place like Hydra heads. For example, the Superman supporting cast were completely pointless in the first movie, but this time around, they certainly have a more active role and even, dare I say it, are quite funny in some instances. In that same vein however, is the insufferable madman who people are debating is really Lex Luthor, played by Jesse Eisenberg. Jesse messed up and just made his own rendition of the Joker, with so much giddiness being tied together with barely hidden malice.
Ben Affleck is super (har har) as both Batman and Bruce Wayne. While that is a plus, this Batman has been in action far longer than the other film incarnations so he's a bit more brutal, battle-weary, and just not a nice guy, and his Bruce Wayne isn't as suave or mysteriously charismatic as previous versions. Best film Batman we've seen in a long time, and almost every interaction he has with other characters is great chemistry. Prime amongst these interactions is Gal Godot as Diana Prince, Wonder Woman. Wonder Woman's presence in this movie was awesome. Some people believe she didn't
have enough characterization, saying she's still just a glorified cameo, but this really wasn't her movie. Her
purpose was to be introduced to the audiences and to show what a badass warrior she is; it's an
introduction, not an in-depth look at her.
And oh look! Superman's in this movie! Nobody really cares...because like before, the religious symbolism of him is all there is to him. We get it Snyder! You think he's Jesus! Stop!
My own personal philosophy on whether a movie is good or not is how much enjoyment was felt during the viewing of it. And the funny thing is, this movie seems to be made with the DC fans in mind, to cater and enrage them all in one fell swoop. So as a DC fan, I enjoyed all the references and the hints of things to come, but as a movie fan, so much could've been left out to make it a more condensed, less preachy, and enjoyable movie. For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
When this movie is so big that even Deadpool and Hawkeye HAVE to point out it's coming months in advance.
The Hobbit: the Battle of the Five Armies
One last time for Peter Jackson's vision of Middle-Earth in "The Hobbit: the Battle of the Five Armies."
After Benedragon Cumbermatch attempts to lay waste to the town of men only to find his end at the descendant of a hero, the Lonely Mountain is up for grabs. While the dwarves we've been following are claiming their rightful place, with their leader going especially crazy with his newfound wealth, both the Men and the Elves drop by to try to claim some treasure as their own.
It doesn't go well.
With the advent of war breaking out between the three races, the dark forces also unleash their might at this most inopportune time. It's a major clash of clans, monsters, for freedom and treasure with our poor protagonist getting caught in the middle since he's just a peace-loving hobbit.
Much sadness in this film (mainly because of onscreen deaths that mean something), but I feel it is a fitting conclusion to this long, LONG story about the bravest little hobbit of them all.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
RIP Leonard Nimoy.
Kingsman: the Secret Service
Humpty Dumpty would've had a much better fate if he were repaired by the blokes from "Kingsman: the secret service." It's kind of funny that they themselves say that they're essentially a James Bond movie and a "My Fair Lady" movie, with all the posh British spy-action you can muster along with the training of the rough-and-tumble street rat that Colin Firth makes his protege. Main quest of these new knights of England is stopping Steve-Jobs-as-portrayed-by-Samuel-L.-Jackson and his "blade runner" minion from destroying 90% of the world's population.
The action, choreography, characters, and all-star cast are superb and you would be doing yourself a disservice by not seeing this secret service. The only thing that might turn people off is the rampant blood and gore that is sometimes supposed to be played for laughs (and there is a fantastic scene of faces exploding to Pomp and Circumstance), but other than that, it can be almost cartoonishly ridiculous.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
For when you need something to groove to during the Hate Plague
Home
I'm a little conflicted with "Home" the latest from Dreamworks animation, a movie involving aliens who take over earth because they're running for their own lives, but shunt all of humanity away in bubbles to Australia, and the little girl who must find her mother with the help of a completely despised member of the alien conquerors.
Now I could view it cynically as just a Rihanna-sings-half-the-soundtrack-buy-her-music vehicle, with the "comedy' being the aliens' own ineptitude, their leader actually being Steve Martin, when it comes to Earth stuff and Jim Parsons voicing himself only speaking more like the Kraang from the Nickelodeon Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cartoon. On the other hand, I could actually give it the benefit of the doubt and see it as an attempt to capture the same two-different-and-antagonistic-species-come-together-in-friendship-and-family magic that was phenomenally done in "How to Train your Dragon." Either is a fine interpretation since the real plus of this film is the visuals, giving the aliens nicely animated mood-ring-esque skin in addition to their odd and whimsical technology.
Just because a movie says at the beginning that you really shouldn't watch this because you can probably stay home and get it for free on TV...DOESN'T MEAN IT'LL HAPPEN! YEARS OF WAITING FOR IT TO SHOW UP ON FOX DURING RERUNS AND I FINALLY BROKE DOWN AND WATCHED IT BECAUSE I AM A SIMPSONS FAN!
"The Simpsons Movie" is pretty much an extended episode where something strange and ridiculous happens and somehow it involves the titular family. Everything you enjoy about the show is there and present, with the characters all being spot on and the humor being either completely hilarious or swing and miss with groans.
Overall, only watch this if you're a hardcore Simpsons fan.
Transformers 4: Age of Extinction
I was right not to pay for "Transformers 4: Age of Extinction" since it seemed even more unwatchable than the previous 3 movies. Checked it out from the library and got all my disappointments met.
You just can't have black ops American government types hunting peaceful Autobots. You just can't have Mark Wahlberg saying and acting dumb for no particular reason. You just can't have bitter and angry Optimus Prime swearing off protecting humans anymore (and straight up murdering Kelsey Grammar). You just can't have Stanley Tucci being an insane businessman genius-type that is only tolerable with Tony Stark's personality as he tries to manufacture transformers, but fails miserably and gives Megatron a new body.
Simply put, DO. NOT. WATCH.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
"200 Pound Beauty" is a funny little film from Korea, poking fun at Korean pop culture like nobody's business, using the always-funny, tried-and-true method of putting pretty actresses in fat suits, and then taking them out of it for some life-changing journey. Not only does it bash fat-shaming, but it also takes jabs at how society treats pretty people, the fakeness of the Kpop music scene from both performers and singing standpoints, and how fame and lies can change people, not just appearances.
Dallas Buyers Club
"Dallas Buyers Club" is an interesting look at what would happen if Robin Hood and Little John were a crazy Texan and a transvestite.
Matthew McConaughey plays Ron Woodroof, who can pretty much be summed up as "the worst of white trash." That all changes however when he's diagnosed with the heavily stigmatized HIV. At the end of his rope, he goes to Mexico and finds another way to combat the disease. Eager to not just earn more money but to help those still suffering from HIV, he starts a club where he markets this new treatment as a gift so that he's not legitimately selling the treatment. Of course the big medicine companies are ruffled by this most unorthodox means of stealing their customers and potential guinea pigs. The race is on for whether or not Ron can keep being a Good Samaritan or if he'll get shut down.
Overall, amazing performances from all involved and you really get drawn into his story of fighting the system.
Robocop (2014)
Having never seen the original Robocop in 1987 (less than 1 year old at that time), I didn't really have many expectations on going to see this new reboot of the cybernetic lawman. However, "Robocop" was a slick action movie and I enjoyed watching a man struggle between not just crime and corruption but against his own programming and becoming the ghost in this metal shell.
In the near future, robots and drones make up the majority of how America fights its international fights. However, as Samuel L Jackson exposits in a TV bit that makes it seem like he's trying really hard not to ask what's in your wallet, the average American citizen has seen enough "Matrix" and "Terminator" movies to be reasonably paranoid of the prospect of robot overlords. The robotics people get their chance to prove the superiority of robotic peacekeepers when detective Alex Murphy gets blown to kingdom come and the only way to save him is to turn what's left of him into a cyborg. The twist is that while he thinks he's in control of the machine that is now his body, whenever it's time to fight crime, a peacekeeping program overrides his actual personality. With the attempt to download surveillance systems and criminal databases and stuff into his brain leaving him pretty much on the verge of going comatose, the higher-ups then proceed to completely erase Murphy out. But is he really gone?
Overall, a slick action film with some choice performances, and even though I haven't seen the original, this movie makes me think I'm missing out for sure.
It's funny because he wants his Robocop in black; he only works in black...and sometimes really really dark gray
The Grand Budapest Hotel
I cannot even begin to describe the amount of fun I had watching "The Grand Budapest Hotel."
The visual/cinematography fun, the dry wit and deadpan hilarious delivery fun, the unexpected cameos fun (a Ghostbuster, an incredible Hulk, a Dark Lord of magic, a jealous composer, an Oscar-winning pianist, and a Green Goblin are in this film!), there was just so much FUN!
It's a story of a story of someone telling a story about how a lobby boy is brought under the wing of the main concierge manager played by Ralph Fiennes as an eccentric womanizer but still very proper. They get into hijinks together and when an elderly lady seems to leave her vast fortune to He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named and not her extended family, so begins the plot of trying to save themselves and clear their names all the while their country is on the brink of some war.
As mentioned before, it's a whole ton of fun, but the only downside is that I can't even really begin to describe what KIND of movie it is...Indie for sure...but what exactly does this fall under?
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (2014)
Ugly! Yes with a capital U!
Not only just the general aesthetic of our favorite heroes-in-a-half-shell either. "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles" as produced by Michael Bay is full of ugly choices and ridiculous detours from the established lore of our ninjutsu-practicing, pizza-guzzling, teen terrapins. Primary crime amongst these ugly choices is turning April O'Neil into a try-hard, giving her the most scenes of unnecessariness. Further nitpicks include boring villains down to their footsoldiers, changing them from ninjas to ye-average-military-goons, to their completely disposable Shredder, and to their boss, whose primary motivation was the same as from "Amazing Spiderman." There was only two scenes which I felt truly captured the essence of the Turtles' characters, but both were from the humorous standpoint since their origin story was so full of poop like the sewers they inhabit.
The only way I can recommend this movie is if you see this, get hyped, and want to learn what the pre-established setting is for that trailer.
For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) review, go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
If you had the misfortune of watching the film, here's something to wash the taste out:
Avengers 2: Age of Ultron
Anyone going into "Avengers 2: Age of Ultron" expecting James Spader to essentially be Reddington from "The Blacklist" with more homicidal tendencies...nope. In fact, Reddington might actually be a more effective badguy because while Ultron's voice and facial expressions still have the same menacing timbre as Red, the man doesn't start apologizing profusely after maiming a person like the clumsy girl in a shoujo anime!
Tony Stark and Bruce Banner manage to create artificial life...and just like almost every other movie where that happens, the creation immediately turns on his creators and humanity. Recruiting two more mutants (erm, gifteds. But that's splitting hairs, we all know they're mutants) with grudges against the system and the Avengers, the rogue AI known as Ultron tries to perfect himself and destroy all humans and it's up to our 6 highly dysfunctional heroes to stop him.
Big movie with excellent comedy, some decent pathos, more A+ actors playing off of each other and their characters' foibles, and of course, superhero-y action up and out the wazoo!
For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) review, go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
There’s something very wrong about using innocuous Disney songs to sound menacing...
Mad Max: Fury Road
No Mel Gibson? No problem. Our replacement Bane-speaking-like-the-Hulk did just fine.
"Mad Max: Fury Road" is not so much about our titular road warrior so much as Fullmetal Charlize Theron rescuing slave women dressed in what looks like toilet paper and chastity belts.
AND WHAT A LOVELY RIDE IT IS!
A lonesome drifter wandering the post-apocalyptic wasteland gets captured by a cult leader/warlord, and it just so happens that his most trusted lieutenant, a one-armed woman named Furiosa, takes that day to break out his prized breeding wives out of their mountainous prison. Due to unusual circumstances with his captors' bodies, our protagonist finds himself strapped to the front of a car like some bizarre mermaid on the bow of a ship. After his escape, he enters an uneasy alliance with Furiosa as they spirit away these women yearning for a promised land, while being pursued by the cult leader and his psychopathic cronies. The desert is no place for a big rig though and throws further obstacles in their way in addition to the madmen they're escaping from.
Overall, an insane dose of testosterone and chase movie so full of stupid-fun action and stunts, you'll need to remind yourself to breathe during the quieter moments.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here
Tomorrowland
Can we just agree that Disney should stop making movies out of their theme park attractions? The reigning king is still "Pirates of the Caribbean" and "Tomorrowland" is no contender for the throne.
A young boy finds his way to an alternate dimension (or the future? It was kind of unclear) where inventors can go wild with their ideas.
And then we fast forward years later and now the focus is on a teen girl who is so full of ingenuity and hope for a better tomorrow, it's kind of sickening. When given a pin that puts her in a fully immersive augmented virtual reality, she HAS to find answers...and she gets them vaguely by the little boy all grown up, now played by George Clooney. Along with a little girl who recruits dreamers and visionaries to go to this place of wonder and excitement, they make the long and treacherous trek to find a way to get to Tomorrowland...only to find it lacking some vitality due to a doomsday predictor.
The star of this film really are the aesthetics, with the beauty of Tomorrowland and George Clooney's Home-Alone-Advanced, trap laden house. This is sad then when they actually get to Tomorrowland and all the Flash-Gordon-era wonder is replaced by borrowed-some-of-the-leftovers-from-Tron-Legacy. The three main characters deliver ok performances along with the antagonist in Hugh Laurie, giving us a slightly MORE bitter and disillusioned Doctor House. There is an amazing commentary about how and why most of modern pop culture and stories all seem to involve the apocalypse but it's a major spoiler so can't say here. Overall, like Tomorrowland itself, it promises so much and then fails to deliver.
A fair question somebody should've asked kid George Clooney
American Sniper
American Sniper > Hurt Locker.
There. I've said it. Would gladly give that one the Oscar instead of Hurt Locker.
Because while both deal with the harsh duality of civilian life and warrior life, this one actually tries to set up their main character as a honor-bound, protector-type instead of a nutjob with a deathwish.
Chris Kyle's exploits in learning how to be the best of the best of the best sniper 'Murica has ever made are chronicled with usual Hollywood flair. There's even something of a rivalry/revenger subplot going on with an extremist sniper who has killed one too many good American soldiers. But the meat of the story really is how our hero, played by Bradley Cooper, manages to cope with civilian life and how he sadly keeps distancing himself from his family.
And if you've watched the news, you probably spoiled yourself on the ending. Whoops.
Seriously, did nobody trust Bradley Cooper with a real baby?
Foxcatcher
From purely a film critic's point of view, "Foxcatcher" can be seen as the story of a directionless manchild torn between following the charismatic, (MURICA!) patriot of a sheltered richboy, or following his true brother, the only one who cares for him and only cares about his welfare.
In the opinion of the casual movie-gover though, it's a roughly 2 hour wait for Steve Carrel to snap and do something dangerous, since you can feel the lurking menace and creepiness beneath his ridiculous William Shatner impression.
Jurassic World
In the same way I felt like "Dark of the Moon" was a more proper sequel to Michael Bay's "Transformers," I felt that "Jurassic World" is the "Jurassic Park" sequel we deserved. Everything you loved from the first movie is upped to be bigger and better (?) than the first movie.
Like the first movie, things go wrong and extremely dangerous dinosaurs, with one specific mega-evil hybrid being the most pressing threat, are loose. There are more plot points, but really, that's what you came to see.
On the original story side of it, unfeeling-to-the-point-of-stupidity robot woman learns to let loose, learns to love, and learns to actually care about things that aren't just business-business-business-numbers. And Star Lord bonds with another pack of lethal creatures that are the only reason he survives the climax.
Overall, if you enjoyed the first Jurassic Park movie, and wanted to see what a fully realized theme park filled with dinosaurs would look like, this is DINO - MITE!
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
Inside Out
Well Pixar better clear out another spot on their Oscar shelf because "Inside Out" is another winner!
A truly innovative and unique way of thinking about what goes on inside a young girl's mind when life takes a less-than-favorable turn, making this tumultuous phase of normal life into a grand journey for two anthropomorphized emotions to be back where they belong.
As per typical Pixar fare, it is full of emotion and heart with clever lines, breathtaking aesthetics and environments, and phenomenal voice-acting giving their characters a realness and a life beyond the
fact the pseudo-Muppet characters portrayed. What truly makes this unique however is that it fully captures the emotion and nostalgia of how the transition from childhood to adolescence felt, while still being bright and cartoony for kids.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
The Lion’s Roar
"The Lion Roars," or a more accurate translation, "I Married a Lioness from the South Side of the river," will forever be in my top 3 favorite Chinese movies. Not only is it a beautiful story with laughs and feels alike with unforgettable characters, and subtle kung-fu movie references, but it's a brilliant look at lives of music superstars as filtered through the time period of the ancient Chinese, as well as a poignant story about finding, and fighting, for the ONE TRUE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE!
"It's just that simple."
What's not simple however is finding a version with accurate English subtitles...or a copy of the movie altogether...
Man on the Ledge
"Man on the Ledge" can best be described as a heist film with the noblest of intentions but the WORST IDEA FOR A DISTRACTION EVER! You, as amateur thieves, cannot believe that a man about to jump from a hotel in New York City would garner you hours of time for your elaborate plan to unfold!
Get Hard
"Get Hard," the Will Ferrel and Kevin Hart vehicle shows us just how narrow-minded and bad-at-adapting, white privileged folk can be when it comes to perceptions of race and treating people like people...or it could be Will Ferrel making a classic fool of himself and Kevin Hart eggs him on in a hilarious take on mistaken identity and race relations.
Serenity
I saw "Serenity" before I saw its series "Firefly." And now that I have, I have a deeper appreciation for this true ending for the TV show.
The problem that mucks up many movies that are continuations from when a TV show's ended is how exactly to make it seem like not just an extended, better-than-average episode. Thankfully, "Serenity" managed to be it's own grand cinematic experience without claiming the "best episode" title (that distinction goes to either Ariel or War Stories in my opinion). What the film does differently from the episodes is that it really kicks off the motley crew's rise into full-on rebellion, what with most of the episodes having them flee at the first sign of Fed trouble while causing trouble for them all the same. Furthermore, they risk their necks for really harming the Empire by not just facing their most dangerous covert kung-fu Operative, but they have to fight their way past rampage-lovin' space orcs and uncover one of the many mysteries that plague their resident psychic.
Overall, a great climax to the best Space Western with Eastern Asian influences where you learn the most powerful forces in the 'Verse are Love and Freedom.
Minions
All you need to know about the movie "Minions," is that the last word said in that movie is, "Despicable."
But it's exactly what you would expect from the trailers. Best little sidekicks do a version of a Three Stooges sketch with more gibberish/random foreign language words. Three of the banana-lovin' Twinkie critters make their way to a villain convention in the 1960s to find a new bad egg to follow loyally and blindly for the rest of their lives. They find one, and due to a misunderstanding, they end up on her bad side and hijinks ensue with them trying to stay alive.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
In addition to TicTacs and bananas, these are probably the only things that should've been promoted by the movie. Who the hell wants Minion paper towels?
Ant Man
In the vast, infinite possible parallel universes, there's a place where "Ant Man" really is an Edgar Wright film instead of one just sprinkled with a few of his most common tropes (fence hopping, quick edits, and dramatic moment reduced to a comically underwhelming one).
But for the one we got in this universe, it was alright.
Due to unintentional side effects on his psyche that might've led to an infamous slap, Hank Pym, as played by Michael Douglas, has given up being a superhero who can control ants and can shrink to the size even smaller. What makes matters worse is that the guy he left in charge of his tech company has figured out how to replicate his success with shrinking. So he needs somebody to destroy these plans and make sure that the wrong hands never grab ahold of this technology again.
Thankfully, he knows a guy.
The recently released ex-convict with a master's degree in electrical engineering, Scott Lang, as interpreted by Paul Rudd, is hired to pull off this one last job. Not only for an honest paycheck, but for getting the respect of his estranged family and especially his little girl. Along the way he's helped by other more friendly criminal connections and Hank's daughter Hope.
Overall, a heist movie is always cool, and when you throw superpowers into the mix, it's pretty darn amazing. Paul Rudd and Michael Douglas deliver with performances that convince you that they are these characters. Also, anybody with pet lambs will cling a little tighter to them after watching this.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
Sometimes the jokes write themselves.
Dragonball Z: Battle of the Gods
Once again, the Earth is spared the wrath of a super-mega powerful alien
because he fell in love with its delightful stuff...namely the food.
Lord Beerus, the sphinx-cat-looking, god of destruction, sets his sights
on Earth in "Dragonball Z: Battle of the Gods" in hopes of finding a
worthy adversary. But he's defeated not by superior fighting prowess,
nor beings who can yell for hours on end and turn into a white
supremacist's happiness, but by a birthday buffet.
And that's all the movie is really.
There's no menace, no phenomenal fights, no continuity (why are
antagonists from the first arc of Dragonball now kids when Dragonball GT
has essentially been retcon'd with this movie?), no clever way to
defeat this new "threat," and worst of all, Goku's only able to achieve
his newest form with help from his unborn grandchild's fetus. The
only thing likable about this movie is that we're back onto theme naming
with characters; the whole realm of alcoholic beverages are now
suitable names for characters in the Dragonball universe (Beer, Whiskey,
who next? Gin? No wait, that's from Bleach).
And when Mr. Bigglesworth gets upset, PEOPLE DIE!
The Fault in our Stars
There are very few things as timeless as the theme of love-amidst-troubles/obstacles, and in this modern era, we've started to regard it a little bit with scorn and derision, believing that such things are cliche-filled nonsense...but I can't say that about "The Fault in Our Stars."
Two teens in a cancer support group fall in love, and then the audience is essentially dragged along on their romance of much more ups than downs, with their biggest hurdle not being unnecessary relationship drama, but more on how their respective illnesses are tearing their lives apart. Cliches of cheesy teen romances are on full display here and I wouldn't dream of challenging anyone to a drinking game with this flick...but I can't hate it. It's beyond cheesy, the male star is too idyllic and full of the best quips, the female lead is a vibrant firecracker but still a sensitive soul, and I can totally dig the beautiful chemistry between them.
Overall, this is prime date movie material, and anyone too manly to handle this? "Pain demands to be felt" and I demand you feel it too.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation
It's starting to look like a good year for spy-thriller movies, since after "Kingsman," the next big spy org to hit the big screen is the Impossible Mission Force. "Mission Impossible: Rogue Nation" proved that it can keep upping the ante when it came to ridiculous stunts, suspenseful sneaking-into-strongholds, high-octane vehicle chases, and classic spy mindtricks/normal tricks that have defined this film franchise.
Tom Cruise once again delivers as the best of the Bond-ish, Ethan Hunt and his supporting team of espio-bros (they can never hold onto the female agents can they?) track down a covert operations group known as the Syndicate, which, while hyped to be like the evil mirror counterparts of the IMF, really come across as simple mercenaries/rogues/military goons. Along the way, the run afoul of traps, roadblocks, bureaucracy, conspiracy, double-crosses, and all manner of buzzwords involving spy movies.
Overall, great action film and another successful installment into the Mission Impossible series (with the only real black mark I can think of being the first one...and you can't really fault it for trying to find its footing.).
Watch this after you've seen Rogue Nation and ask yourself if these movies' plots are starting to fall in a rut.
Justice League: Gods and Monsters
The best way to describe "Justice League: Gods and Monsters" would be that it's the R-rated fanfiction that Bruce Timm and Paul Dini always wanted to bring to life but their own animated canon (and the network censors) shut this idea down.
Superman is not only the biological offspring of Neil Before Zod, but also raised by Spanish immigrants, Batman is not Bruce Wayne but one of his foes turned into a pseudo vampire, and Wonder Woman is not of the old gods of myth, but the New Gods, Jack Kirby's brainchildren. As mentioned before, there is blood, brutality, cursing, death of innocents by the truckload, sexual overtones, and even a Red Wedding (yes, even someone who doesn't watch Game of Thrones knows what that is). But at the same time, the show really tries to paint these new heroes as well-intentioned extremists...so I guess it's the 90s era of superheroes again eh?
Overall, watch if you want to see your beloved DC superheroes twisted into outrageous parodies of themselves and if you want to question what other topsy-turvy madness might this world produce.
Totally saw that coming when they mentioned Will Magnus and his “wife” Tina
Fant4stic It's funny isn't it? How superhero movies INSIST on general audiences take them seriously in the same way that all the edgy kids in high school did? The latest victim of this sad and ridiculous trend is Marvel's firs superhero team, the Fantastic Four, which Fox owns instead of Marvel because reasons. "Fantastic Four" or as the posters and l33t speakers want you to believe, "Fant4stic," really sucked the fun out of this project. All is angst, darkness, and a general
unhappiness from all characters involved, which is even the case before they get their disfiguring crime-against-nature powers brought upon by interdimensional gateway accident (because cosmic rays from space travel is just so boring right guys?). Instead of grand superheroics around the world or New York as it normally goes, it is confined mainly to a government facility as they're poked, prodded, examined, and referred to as subjects or weapons. Great times for all involved yeah? And even when the villain shows up, it is beyond stupid, both in appearances, motivation, and vague and unexplained powers. Furthering our disappointment is one gleaned by cheating off of the end to "Avengers: Age of Ultron" by cutting and ending the whole thing before an essential line can be finished. If compared and contrasted from the 2005
version, this movie goes to the opposite end of the scale. What is excessively goofy and nonsensical is now all excessively dark and gritty. Somewhere
between that movie and this movie is the Goldilocks ideal of Fantastic 4
film, where fun can be had, drama can be had, but not at the levels of extremes from either movies we've seen.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
Behold the one instance they thought they were being funny and clever with their characters. The only instance!
Blade
Vampires are not new to the world of fiction. And just like every monster, there are people who hunt the monsters and put them down for the good of humanity.
Which is why it's so much more interesting and (relatively) unique when you have a vampire that hunts other vampires...in Western mediaatleast.
"Blade" is a very D-list Marvel hero that got a serious revamp (ha!) in the style department, helped immensely by the fact he is played by Wesley Snipes. He's what's known in amongst his people as a "daywalker" because of his seemingly complete lack of typical vampire weaknesses, due to a weird quirk that happened when he was being born. While he goes out every night to destroy his own kind (with a combination of silver and garlic weapons), the ruling vampire elite are fine with letting him do as he pleases. However, there's a big shakeup when a younger elite vampire tries to destroy the ruling class and summon a vampire deity. So it's up to kung-fu action Buffy Shaft to save the day.
Slick slick action movie with an amazing lead, enjoyable side characters and villains, and a darn good movie to "stake"your movie-watching time on.
As cool as that line is...it doesn’t make much sense.
Blade II
After seeing both "Blade" and "Blade II," I'm pretty convinced that this movie was set during an earlier Matrix. Good guys and bad guys clad all in black leather, physics defying fights, and it was established that more monstrous programs likened to ghosts and vampires existed in the Matrix before Keanu Reeves was the One...so why not?
A new breed of vampire mutant has emerged and it proves a threat to both humanity and vampires alike. Blade has to team up with a special team that was designed to hunt him down, as they both try to eradicate these new evils without most of the typical vampire weaknesses. However, a dark conspiracy soon rears its ugly head and Blade is doing all he can to come out of this ordeal alive.
Directed by Guillermo Del Toro, this is a gruesome treat since many of his stylistic choices are combined with the already slick precedent the previous Blade movie had set. Fine action helped along by not just Wesley Snipes but by the legendary Donnie Yen, who even has a nonspeaking role in the film. The only really unfortunate things I can think of in this movie is how they copped out of a grand sacrifice from the last film, and that this was an era before Stan Lee thought it was a good idea to cameo in Marvel movies.
Behold Guillermo Del Toro's vision of a vampire to make other vampires scared shitless
The Giver
When I was a middle schooler reading this book in English class, I'm pretty sure that the fact "The Giver" was set in the future was in the back of my mind. However, I never thought it would be so far into the future that they would have to borrow some of the atmosphere and aesthetics from other dystopian future stories such as the Hunger Games series the Divergent series, and Michael Bay's "The Island."
In case you missed out on the book, Jonas lives in a community where everything is so sterilized, censored, and independent of free thought, everyone might as well be robots or zombies. Without a freedom to pursue their own dreams, the young teens are given their jobs at a coming of age ceremony. But not so the case for In case you Jonas since he is given the dubious title of "Receiver of Memories." Since the world can't completely do away with the memories of the world as it was, somehow all of the knowledge of differences are crammed into one dude's head, played here by Jeff Bridges in a role reminiscent of his wise-but-dangerous-old-man persona from "Tron Legacy." From there, Jonas truly feels alive as he is flooded with memories of all the things that make us human. However, with the good must come the bad, as Jonas learns the negative aspects of humanity, the reasons why all was sameness. Made even worse by the revelation that his perfect little community hid darker sides that the sheeple could not understand was so bad.
On the technical side of things, it felt all wrong because I never pictured it as something so futuristic since I always interpreted the setting as not-so-far-into-the-future-so-it's-enough-to-be-scary. With the book, the imagery presented in the words always felt like it could happen at any time, which was a better impetus for change than anything Tomorrowland ever preached at its audience. But the movie's shining moments were definitely when the Giver shows stock footage of humanity to convey specific memories.
For an amusing review of the book as well as its themes, go here.
If you were expecting more Taylor Swift in this movie, this is pretty much her only scene. There’s probably one more flashback with her in it, but really, maybe Ms. Swift should stick to music videos
Penguins of Madagascar
Undoubtedly, the best parts of the Dreamworks Madagascar movies are the penguins. The four highly delusional penguins who believe anything and everything can be treated like a spy mission were so successful in popularity that they got their own show on Nickelodeon with a questionable timeline in relation to the movies. Thankfully none of that show is necessary for enjoying their feature length movie "Penguins of Madagascar."
Shortly after the events of "Madagascar 3" the 4 penguins are on another mission with the theft of a snack chip from a vending machine treated with their trademark flair. However, they run afoul of an envious octopus with a personal vendetta against penguinkind and his devious plot to mutate all the cute tuxedo birds into horrid abominations. Our heroes are saved however by an even bigger group of secret ops arctic animals, The North Wind, led by a wolf voiced by Benedict Cumberbatch, and immediately heads butt about how to go about stopping the dastardly deeds of the malicious mollusk.
Overall tons of fun with a bunch of creatures taking things way too seriously and a load of ridiculousness for the Jack Sparrow(s) of the Madagascar movies.
Whoever wrote these lines deserve some kind of pun award
Descendants
Not to be confused with the George Clooney movie with Hazel Grace and Hawaii, "The Descendants" is the Disney Channel movie with a brilliant concept. Given the premise of the scion of some classic Disney villains rejoining a a land where the son of Beauty and her Beast is set to rule, you know that only the utmost care was taken in concocting this potion of a mov-
OH NO! THEY SPILLED *ALL* THE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL ON IT!
As much as I wanted to enjoy the what-if of the offspring classic Disney villains finally re-entering the society of the goody-two-shoes and the ramifications of beings bred with evil interacting with a world foreign to them, that is not what this movie is. Instead it's a ridiculously bad attempt at merging the storylines and timelines of classic Disney tales but messing up major by having the setting be high school-based and botching up the setting by confusing time and places, and SERIOUSLY killing any source of credibility by destroying any attempt at convincing us that the classic characters we know and love (and love to hate in the case of the villains) are the people on screen.
What makes things worse is that NONE of the songs have anything catchy about them. If you were to make a musical, there is no greater sin than having no songs be memorable, nor well written.
The only redeeming aspect of this film is having Kristen Chenowith play Maleficent with all her hammy and cheesy powers in her acting arsenal.
All hail the mistress of darkness and haaaam!
Into the Woods
"This is ridiculous; what am I doing here? I'm in the wrong story" which is the best way to sum up "Into the Woods," the Broadway musical turned into live-action Disney musical.
Basic premise is that all fairy tales shared the same universe and stuff happened. Main story seemed to focus on a forgetful baker and his wife, the Angel of Verdun, on an RPG fetchquest for a witch who will grant them their deepest desire. Little Red Riding Hood, Rapunzel, Cinderella, and Jack and the Beanstalk are involved. That is the first half; the 2nd half involves the fallout from all the actions of the previous half with all the tragedies that follow.
As mentioned before, it's a Broadway musical mixed with a Disney musical, meaning cliches are heaped upon cliches (parental abandonment/death issues, dangerously dark adult themes being brought up, and heavily edited classic tales). All the A-list celebrities are singing their hearts out and it looks fantastic, but because it is an adaptation of a musical it is burdened with things happening offscreen that must've been more interesting, whole scenes of sung monologues in one setting, and rather questionable songs.
Overall, this should only be recommended to die-hard Broadway enthusiasts and folks who wish to see some masterful lyricists try to make songs revolve around stories.
Hot Rod
"Hot Rod" was pitched to me as something very similar to "Napoleon Dynamite" but it is far better. The power of SNL backs this flick and a lot of the comedy is indicative of just the super random moments that only Andy Samberg, Bill Hader, and other like-minded funny folks can come up with.
An aspiring daredevil seeks to follow in the footsteps of his daredevil father, but his stepfather is intent on squashing those dreams. When that stepfather becomes terminally ill though, Rod comes up with the "brilliant" idea of doing a stunt for charity so that they can raise enough money for a life-saving operation...all so he can beat the man within an inch of his life for "respect" and "honor."
And the whole film is pretty much every random and ridiculous moment after moment for comedy to shine, all leading up to the big stunt event with Rod as the daredevil with a cause.
I would rank it around the same place as "Dumb and Dumber" but surprisingly with a lot less stupid; it's more like a stupid that is so endearing that you can't hate it.
VS
The taco wins but only by playing dirty.
Lone Survivor
I normally am able to detach myself from stories, which is why I can watch war movies and movies about wars with some minor mental adjustment. Such was not the case when watching "Lone Survivor," the tale of a military op that went wrong and the small group left behind enemy lines. For I knew that with all the intense action and violence and adrenaline-pumping, breath-holding scenes, it was probably a thousand times worse in real life.
Further respect to all the warriors of this proud nation, for what they've seen, what they do, and what they have to endure.
Also, knife = duck, shabu = knife.
Summer Wars
After having the misfortune of watching the Digimon movie "Our War Game," (as well as a slew of Kamen Rider movies) I have come to the conclusion that the Japanese do not know what to do with previously-established franchise movies. They give you nothing but "fanservice" without any regard to continuity in regards to the show, without any attempt to make a good story, and instead fill them with easily fixable plotholes that make the entire thing quite pointless so that status quo can reign supreme.
On the other hand, "Summer Wars" is proof that the Japanese have a semblance of decent film-making swimming in gene pools in families that do not have Miyazki or Kurosawa at the end of their names (or the front?). The story is very similar to an Edgar Wright film where a typical life stage/event just so happens to cross paths with something fantastical; in this case it's a wacky family reunion with the problem of a rogue AI wreaking havoc on a social media site, and by extension the whole 'Net. Each character introduced is quirky and well-developed, the action in the virtual world is visually stunning and an imagination-filled treat, and there are legitimate moments of when the audience can feel the tension as stakes escalate. The moral of the story is perfectly palpable too since really, nobody ever really gets tired of knowing that family doesn't always have to be blood.
For a review from a fast-talking British snark machine, go here.
Advice more people need to heed these days...
Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian
What's the best way to advertise a popular museum of various topics and cultures? Throw Ben Stiller and a bunch of other funny people into a crazy-fun adventure with the setting being the Smithsonian of course! "
"Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian" is the rare example of a movie which takes almost everything we loved about the first one, and escalated all the better aspects of it while still keeping things new and fresh. Ben Stiller is tasked with finding his friends from his old museum and breaking them out of the Smithsonian archives in DC. However, the magical Egyptian doodad, which now seems to remind me of a golden ipad, manages to infect the whole complex, which leads to everything from paintings to sculptures to non-working models to likenesses of great historical figures to roam free.
Great bunch of starpower in this new film, chief amongst them being Amy Adamms as an incredibly perky Amelia Earhart and Hank Azaria as an evil Egyptian pharaoh with a lisp. Not only are their great historical injokes, but we also have a better threat than the first film with the aformentioned evil pharaoh recruiting some of history's greatest fiends to antagonize the Ben Stiller and his ragtag bunch of weirdos from different eras.
Overall, great fun and especially great to see the Smithsonian museums be the prominent feature in this movie.
and
How very sad that we don't get to see these two work together after all...
Die Hard
My mother was very fond of telling me in Chinese when I did something bad as a kid if I want to "Die Hard." (難改)
After seeing Bruce Willis go through so much in the 1988 classic about a lone cowboy cop fighting impossible odds against German thieves in a skyscraper, no mother, I don't think I can so glibly tell you that'll be fine.
Even though I'm roughly 27 years late to the party, it is still an amazing piece of film making, total enjoyment hampered only by the idiotic law enforcement-types (Seriously, da chief and FBI HAD to be like that?) who definitely did not help the situation. Also, 10 points to Slytherin for Professor Snape as he plays a menacing villain with as much equal parts sophistication and brutality as Shere Khan.
Watch it again in preparation of the holiday season!
For a quick recap of the movie redone with cartoon bunnies, go here.
For funny yet spoilery synopsis disguised as a trailer, go here.
For seeing just how hard Bruce Willis should've died, go here.
You know you've made it big when even this battered and dirty thing ends up in the Smithsonian Museum as American culture
Birdman (or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)
Never before have I been so captivated by a long long walk down a hallway with the soundtrack consisting of primarily drum beats.
If you don't know what that means, go watch "Birdman (or the Unexpected Virtue of Ignorance)" since it has the noteworthy distinction of being one of the longest oners with almost no true cuts between any scene.
In a strange mirror to Michael Keaton's own life, his character Riggan Thompson was in a superhero movie but declined to continue being in the franchise, and in a bid to stay relevant and redefine himself as an actor, throw all his time, effort, and money into a Broadway play. But while struggling with the multitude of problems from his actors, his daughter, his ex-wife, critics, and audiences, he must also deal with his alter ego playing the devil's advocate and giving him vaguely unexplained psychic powers...or does he?
As mentioned before the brilliance of this film lies in what seems like the movie filmed all in one continuous take, with very rare obvious cuts, mostly with scene transitions. Not only that, but part of the mystery the audience has to piece together is whether or not Riggan really does have psychic powers or not, making his Birdman persona more a legitimate superhero or not. With further exceptional performances from Edward Norton, Emma Stone, and Zach Galifianakis, this is one film not to miss.
None of the kids came close, but these sound like hilarious premises for spinoff movies
Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby
I've never really understood the appeal of NASCAR, since I understand the idea of a high-speed race, but I can't comprehend why people want to see people race in circles as a form of entertainment. But movies on racing and NASCAR tend to focus on the human element and "Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby" gives us the best humans to focus on. Will Ferrell, John C Reilly, and Sacha Baron Cohen are at their funniest and most obnoxious.
Ricky Bobby was literally born to go fast, and what better outlet than racing cars? The hotshot is thrown for a loop however when an upstart Formula 1-racing Frenchman makes a fool of him (bigger fool at least) on and off the track. From there, it's all about Ricky Bobby getting his mojo back as well as resolving his family issues. Will Ferrell is his usual obnoxiously loud and ridiculous self, only accented by John C Reilly's insane love of his "best friend," and Sacha Baron Cohen and his wavering flamboyant/classy accent is the perfect foil to the pair of crazies.
Overall, one of Will Ferrell's best movies despite it being iconic Will Ferrell movie.
Knowing my undying love of cats, this might be me in the future.
Pan
Ever since the precedent set by Johnny Depp portraying pirates more as really weird rock stars instead of ruthless buccaneers, that's been the trend for pirates in film. But after seeing Hugh Jackman as Blackbeard leading his crew and slaves in poor covers of Nirvana and Ramones songs, I think it's time to stop. "Pan," or as I like to describe it "Adventure Cliche Extravaganza," tells the secret origins of young Peter from his time in an orphanage, to being a slave of pirates, to being a runaway adventurer, and finally, a reluctant savior.
I hope y'all like ham and cheese, because every actor is borderline psychotic in their performances with it. Peter, Blackbeard, (No-Volume Control Cowboy) Hook, all of em are hammy and cheesy to a fault.
I can say though that it's totally worth watching for the unique interpretation of setting and characters. As previously established, pirates are more like Don Carnage starting a rock band, mermaids glow ethereally, crocodiles are as massive as Spielberg interpreted them as back in "Hook," but the most credit must go to the Indians, erm Savages, erm, Native Neverlanders, erm POLITCALLYCORRECTTERMFORFANTASYNATIVES!! Seriously, they take aspects of almost every kind of nature-loving indigenous tribe from Earth, (Native Americans, Aborigines of Australia, actual Indians, and several Southeast Asian island cultures), mish-mash it together, and you're left with an amazing culture that can only be seen as Neverlander.
If anything can be nitpicked about visuals is that the filmmakers seem to want to go the Netflix Daredevil route and not give our boy his iconic look til later. Also, with the inclusion of the sequel bait since so much of the origin story is left untold, we're left wondering if this made enough money to really have more flying forever youngling.
Overall, story is a mess and somewhat painful to watch, but your eyes will thank you for the beautiful moving images before it.
Because apparently concentrated magic somehow becomes embedded in the dirt in Neverland and Blackbeard will give you chocolate if you find any.
Bridge of Spies
For a clearer picture of the witch-hunt mentality prevalent in America during with the red scare, look no further than the Steven Spielberg film "Bridge of Spies."
With Tom Hanks needing to be the defense for a spy, the spy himself by all accounts seemed to be a genuinely nice guy, you really feel all the pressure this lawyer has to go through. On top of that, further complications in Germany and the USSR make his job as a tactful negotiator that much more difficult and you wonder how he can get through this ordeal with his humanity and life intact.
I like to think of this movie (at least the first half) almost like another telling of "To Kill a Mockingbird" showing how an honest man is dragged into the politics of the time and having to defend what seems to be another honest man. However, more espionage and secrecy mixed with bureaucracy-wrangling make the 2nd half a bit much when the first half was so well done.
For a real trip, go watch this before watching the movie, like I unintentionally did. I dare not spoil y’all with a preview because funny.
Spectre
While most people I've talked to agree that "MI5" was a superior spy thriller, the man from MI6, 007 gave a good run in his latest adventure, "Spectre."
James Bond is hot on the trail of mastermind behind all the nefarious plots he's foiled since "Casino Royale," and the same debate on the efficiency and relevance of super spies from "Skyfall" continues to plague Voldemort. As is typical, it's a whirlwind trek around the world picking up clues and chicks, as well the eventual mayhem that follows Mr. Bond like a plague.
While the other spy movies this year have been usually perceived more exciting and more fun, this latest installment of the grandaddy of the genre takes its time to leading its audience down an intriguing trail of intrigue as Daniel Craig does stuff only a more mellow James Bond specializes in. That's not to say that the action is subpar oh no; there's crazy car chases, wince-inducing fisticuffs (especially with the new henchman in charge, Drax the Destroyer), races against the clock to save someone, and gunfights galore!
Overall, you could do a lot worse as far as spy movies go, but especially for fans of the character, it's a pretty worthwhile attempt to wrap up all of Mr. Craig's achievements as the most brutal and action-packed Bond.
Mockingjay Pt1 & Pt2
Another movie trilogy based off a young adult book series ends with "Mockingjay" and like most trilogies, the third time is not the charm.
The end of "Catching Fire" gave us the revelation that the rebellion is much more pronounced than the Capitol thought. Part 1 is basically how Katniss becomes the public face of the rebellion, being used as a propaganda tool, with her discovering the misery of the other districts. All the while, this shell-shocked veteran is dealing with her own demons of leaving the boy she loves behind. Part 2 is her and a team of other likable side characters going to the Capitol to assassinate the evil tyrant in charge of such a horrible nation...bad stuff happens along the way. Lots of bad stuff.
I grouped these two movies together because this was one story, just split into two by the powers-that-be. It is the endgame of a story of how one girl defies her totalitarian government by subverting their gladitorial combat/Bear Grylls-style survival competition and thus becomes an unintentional symbol of aimin' to misbehave. Unfortunately, none of what made the previous two movies great is a part of this last installment. No competition, no fake celebrity BS that strangely mirrors our real world treatment of famous folks, and no creative scenarios that test wit, stamina, strength, and alliance-building; it was all fight-da-powaa, all the time now. At times, you really do feel for these rebels, with shades of the charisma and character of other great freedom fighters, like from Star Wars and Pirates of the Caribbean, but then you see their own rigid, militarized, super-structured way of living, and you wonder what is the true enemy Katniss should face at the end.
Overall, if you want to find how ends the story of a girl struggling to survive in a harsh world and cruel reality show, you watch this. If not, stick to the first two movies since "Mockingjay" could very well be a roller coaster of misery on par with "Les Miserables."
For a more condensed and entertaining (spoiler-filled) reviews, go here and here.
Because when you've been brainwashed by the government, that's always the gamble to play
Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens Adventure Time C'mon grab your friends We'll go to very distant lands With Finn and Rey And Han Solo And Chewy the Wookie It's Adventure Time!
Like most people, I was cautiously optimistic about the return of Star Wars to the big screen. But thankfully my fears were just paranoid what-ifs and the movie was entertaining and fun while still retaining that Star Wars flavor.
If you thought the Empire was done with after the 2nd Death Star blew up, you thought wrong. The remnants of the Empire became the First Order and aside from the name change, there hasn't been many changes. Except for a massive change in their hiring policies for stormtroopers. Gone are the clones and morons who can't shoot straight, but instead they get the space equivalent of African child soldiers. One such trooper on his first day realizes just how much of a wrong crowd he's hanging with, breaking through his mental conditioning and has a change of heart. He breaks out the First Order's newest prisoner, ace pilot for the Resistance, Poe Dameron. Upon crashlanding on the desert planet, the trooper, nicknamed Finn because nobody wants to be called a serial number for the rest of their life, also crashes into a junk scavenger named Rey. Together, they escape the First Order with Poe's droid, an adorable roly-poly with attitude called BB8, and from there, it's an epic TREK through the STARS, meeting new races and old faces. Just like Finn and Rey become the new faces of the good, the bad guys have their poster child in the form of Kylo Ren, which can only be described as the biggest Darth Vader fan, seeking to emulate style, mannerisms, and impeccable control of the Dark Side of the Force. With the threat of an eerily similar doomsday weapon and Kylo Ren from the First Order, Finn, Rey, and the rest of the rebels become the new GUARDIANS of the GALAXY.
The beauty of this movie is that while it pays homage, and in some aspects directly copies, scenes and themes from the original trilogy, it still feels like a great movie on its own merits. It is not a mindless retelling of the same story with different characters, but it brings its own different-yet-distinctly-familiar spin on it. The characters can be a bit much, but that only makes sense in an ever-growing galaxy of characters striving to catch your attention.
Overall, Han Solo said it best as he and Chewbacca walked into their beloved Millenium Falcon one more time, "we're home," and that's exactly what it felt like watching this movie, coming to a place that fills you with good cheer and excitement; no better place to call home than a Galaxy Far Far away.
